Holidays After Losing Someone

As the holidays fast approach, many people are looking forward to some respite from the chaos that has been 2020.

Christmas decorations started going up in my neighborhood right after Halloween. Stores had Christmas displays in September. Satellite radio Holiday stations went active earlier than usual.

It seems there is a collective voice saying “Yes, we need a little Christmas right this very minute!”

But, the holidays can be a huge, jumbled up, mixed bag of emotions for so many people too.

I’m particularly thinking of a friend who recently lost someone. The next couple of months are likely to be full of a myriad of conflicting emotions for her.

It’s going to suck.

There’s just no way around it.

The “first”…everything after losing someone is hard. First holidays, birthdays, anniversaries…it’s all going to be an emotional train wreck.

This can be especially confusing when it seems the whole world around you is celebrating joy, love, and peace.

Holiday cheer just can’t fill the emptiness you feel with the loss of that loved one.

I speak from personal experience.

For a long time, the holidays have been a confusing mess of emotions for me. The brilliant magic of the season with an underlying sense of despair and loss.

Three weeks after I got married (the first time) my Mom died.

No warning.

She was here, then she wasn’t.

That was just over a week before Christmas.

A year later, in January, on my Mom’s birthday, my Grandma (Mom’s mom) crossed over to be with her daughter.

December of that year, I had an emergency surgery (on the anniversary of Mom’s internment) that I was not expected to survive (I’m feeling much better now, thanks!).

Two years after that, a week before Mom’s birthday, Dad crossed.

So when people have a seemingly confusing mix of emotions around this time of year, I get it.

I have been living with this strange emotional hodgepodge for over two decades and for me there seems to be no rhyme nor reason as to how the holidays will affect my emotions.

Some years I have a fond remembrance of the good times with my lost loved ones and sometimes I sit for hours listening to that line from Dream Child by Trans Siberian Orchestra, “And all that night the snow came down, to heal the scars, our lives had found, and the years that lay broken…” and cry and cry.

I say all of this, because no matter how much we may need a little Christmas (or Thanksgiving, or New Year’s Eve) right this very minute, it can be complicated for people.

I invite you to hold compassion in your heart for yourself, and others (good advice no matter what time of year).

If you know someone dealing with a lost loved one, maybe lost during the holidays, or they are still adjusting to holidays without a loved one, offer them some love and support.

Sometimes, the simple act of saying, “The holidays can be hard, I understand” can make all the difference in the world.