Never Say Goodbye

I always reminisce and get sentimental around this time of year. Maybe it’s the slowing down of the seasons, heading toward that longest night of the year on Yule. Maybe it’s chilly nights and crisp days, although for this Midwestern boy who’s been living in warm climates for three Autumns now, that chill, that crispness is quite relative.

Anyway, I got hit with some nostalgia just a while ago. Everyone else was settling in to sleep for the night, and I was getting the dishwasher loaded and the kitchen cleaned up. In addition to the pasta and asparagus everyone else wanted tonight, I continued my experiments in learning to make falafel, hummus, and toum, an intense garlic dipping sauce. In other words, more dishes than usual.

I asked the Echo Show in our kitchen to play the Bon Jovi station from iHeart Radio. It’s a great mix of some old favorites that is especially enjoyable when I’m working in the kitchen...although how the hell Nickelback gets into that mix, I'll never know.

First song..."Never Say Goodbye" from Bon Jovi's _Slippery When Wet_album.

I chuckled, and was instantly transported to an Eighth grade dance. A dance when that song was played twice. The second time was the last dance of the night. By that time, J and I had decided we were a couple. I'm not really sure how that happened, but it did...and it was my first relationship.

Now this was quite a small school, and I am using this young lady's initial to protect her identity. You see, junior high romances can be quite a delicate subject.

I was on top of the world!

The relationship lasted all of four days.

Now, I know...why nostalgia about a four day relationship? Well, it's really what came out of the end of that relationship that still brings a smile to my face.

As sometimes happens with these junior high romances, J sent a friend of hers to break up with me. Her name is J also. Same initial, same first name.

Friend J (not ex-girlfriend J) was very sweet and very apologetic. She didn't know details of J's reasoning, but offered to find out for me. Friend J came back later and reported that J was just playing a joke on me, she wasn't serious, etc.

To her credit, when J and I found each other years later on Facebook, she apologized for the way she treated me. I easily forgave her. We were young...these things happen.

We kept in good touch until one day I made disparaging remarks about the silly Facebook quizzes..."What 1980's song are you?" or "What breakfast cereal are you?"

Who the hell cares what breakfast cereal they are?

Apparently J cares.

After reading my snarky remarks about the ludicrous quizzes, she commented that she works hard, and if she wants to unwind by taking quizzes like that, then she should have every right to do so!

Then she unfriended me.

I haven't heard from her since.

Guess we REALLY weren't meant to be in each other's lives. (I still think those quizzes are stupid.)

But back to Friend J...

She became my friend. We were in a lot of the same activities together, and she was kind, and sweet, and cute. Yes, I had a crush on her for a while, though I never told her.

Some of my fondest memories with her, and forgive me if I have written about this before, is the year we had study hall together. We never studied...we went to the band room to play music. She'd play the piano, I'd play the drum set. We'd play the same songs over, and over, and we were happy. We were content to share that music in that space, in that time. Sometimes people would listen and chat for a while, sometimes it was just the two of us.

That's what I get nostalgic for. That friendship with Friend J. That friendship that we still keep up through social media.

I wonder if we could get that back. If we got together with that piano, and those drums, would those old songs come back to us?

That's one thing that I love about music. In just a few notes, I was whisked 30 years into the past, to the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Those warm feelings set aglow a place in my heart that has been quiet.

Though Jon Bon Jovi was singing "Never Say Goodbye" to J and me, it's Friend J and I who have yet to say it.

Sometimes It's Okay To Fall Apart

Do you ever have one of those days where you feel sick enough to be lethargic and feel yucky, but not really sick enough to stay in bed all day? Just enough parts of your body are scratchy, irritated and sore that you want to curl up with your blankie and have someone sing you to sleep while tenderly rubbing your back? Days where you feel whiney, but you don't care how undignified it is and one little thing makes you start crying and you just can't seem to stop? That's my day today.

All of this melodrama I've just described has helped me realize one thing: I have had it!

I think getting sick just pushed me over the edge of tolerance I have been teetering on since I moved to New Mexico. The energy I am putting out is drawing some strange things to me. Today I noticed for the first time there are some really bad drivers in New Mexico. Of course there are bad drivers everywhere, but today a lot of the ones here seemed to cross my path. Means I need to examine what kind of vibe I am putting out there. The phrase "I'd better check myself, before I wreck myself" comes to mind.

Granted, there's a lot on my mind...new culture, first time really living in my own, newlywed and 1200 miles away from my wife and my kids...as a matter of fact, that's what set of an evening worth of sobbing.

I went to the store after work to get some chicken noodle soup and saltine crackers...comfort food of the slightly sick for generations. The only reusable bag I had in the car was one I discovered when I unpacked a few weeks ago. It was a bag that my son had carried some toys in, maybe going to the Unitarian Universalist Society back home, I don't remember. I was a bit sad when I first found them, realizing I had packed the car right over the bag of toys, but today something different struck me. As I pulled the toys out of the bag, I found a partially consumed bottle of Sprite...and I lost it. For whatever reason, seeing that mostly full bottle of soda instantly drove home all the sadness, all the guilt and all the grief I have been consumed with since the night I said goodbye to my children.

Going through the Hoffman Quadrinity Process was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, then saying goodbye to my children that night was the most painful. We clung to each other, crying. I don't know if they understood my reasons for going. I tried to make it a teachable moment for them. I explained that there were some kids in New Mexico that don't see the same way a lot of people do, and they need a special kind of teacher who can help them learn...that's why Daddy was moving far away...to help those kids.

Maybe when they are older, I can explain the other reasons I had to go. Maybe I can tell them that after being it of work for over a year, I needed a job. I needed to feel like I could make a difference in people's lives. I've long taught the message of service to my children, but it had been a while since I felt like I was truly of service. That, and I needed to get myself right...emotionally, financially and spiritually. This is a vision quest for me. I am trying to find how I fit into this world, as a dad, husband, step dad, teacher, healer, music therapist, maybe even as a shaman. How do I best serve this world? I co-created a job in one of the most spiritually rich parts of this country to figure it all out.

Now all of this might be enough to make most of us want to fall apart from time to time...but there's more.

I just found out last week that I got an extension to finish my masters degree...good news, but a lot of work to do. One of my dear friends has been dealing with significant life issues of her own which I would fully support her with, but for the last few months we'll talk or text briefly, then she will say she will call me the next day, and doesn't. Have to admit I wouldn't mind some support from her either.

Another dear friend is dealing with the terminal diagnosis of the man she's been with for years. I feel helpless to do anything, and her pain resonates strongly with me.

A financial situation that will be resolved in the next few weeks may make it very difficult...to do a lot of things.

There is the visit of my wife and stepdaughter at the end of this week that I eagerly anticipate. I hope they're practiced up on their hugs.

With this deluge of emotions, it may be difficult for some of you to see strength in me at all. It's no secret that I am a sensitive guy. Sometimes I have a tough time keeping everything together. I think most of us do, but I think that sometimes it's okay to fall apart. The key is to not stay apart.

One of the many ways music touches us is through lyrics. Every nice in a while, if we are lucky, we find some lyrics that let us know that someone else up there understands what we're going through.

One of my favorite songs for picking myself up after falling apart is "Bounce" by Bon Jovi:

I've been knocked down so many times Counted out, 6, 7, 8, 9 Written off like some bad deal If you're breathin', you know how it feels...

Listen to the song while following the lyrics...it will help you feel like you can keep going after a meltdown.

As for me, my ears and nose are plugged, my throat is scratchy, my glands are swollen and I have a headache.

I'm going to whine until I get my blankie and a backrub.