When Karma Calls, You'd Damn Well Better Answer!

Let me be absolutely clear about something: I believe we all live multiple lifetimes. I believe that we are born into this lifetime with the condition of death and the promise of rebirth. I believe we are born into lifetime after lifetime to bring our gifts to the world and to learn the lessons we need to learn. Face it...there is a LOT to learn, so how can we expect to learn them all in one lifetime? These lessons are sort of a pass/fail deal. If you don't fully learn the lessons you are supposed to, then you will receive many more opportunities to learn the lessons, and it may take several lifetimes. That is how I, at least partially, define karma. What goes around, comes around.

I realize that not everyone believes the things I've just described, and that's okay with me. I embrace all life affirming forms of belief and unbelief. For the purposes of this blog post, it's important for you to understand where I am coming from.

Any of you that have children in your lives or have observed children know that when they want attention, they can be very insistent...especially if they think they are being ignored. Imagine: a Dad is out with his children when they run into one of Dad's friends. Dad and the friend start talking when all of a sudden, one of the children has something very important to say, so the child tries to get Dad's attention: "Dad...um, Dad...excuse me please Dad..." Then the incessant tugging on the hand, or shirt, or tapping of the arm begins as well as a more exasperated tone of voice. You may also notice elongated consonants and vowels here: "Daad...Daaduh...Daddy...Daaddyyy."

If Dad continues to talk to the friend, the child, refusing to be ignored, will go to great lengths to get Dad's attention. This may include yelling, hitting or even screaming.

By the time things escalate to this level, Dad will most likely, bursting with frustration, snap back at the child, yelling "WHAT?!"

Now at least two people are agitated for no good reason. This could all of been avoided...by paying attention and not ignoring the child who quite clearly needs to be acknowledged.

Guess what? Karma is the same way.

Karma is that child who will not be ignored. Oh, you can ignore karma for a while, but you will give karma its due in time. There is no way around it. Fortunately you have the choice of whether things go the easy way or the hard way.

Karma is the spiritual student loan company...you can ignore it for a while, move, run, hide, but sooner or later you will be found.

That's why this post is entitled "When Karma Calls, You'd Damn Well Better Answer." Just like that child wanting your attention, the longer you put things off, the higher the cost.

Most of us know the cliché "When it rains, it pours." Murphy's Law states "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong, and at the worst possible moment." I am reminded of sayings like is when karma seems to catch up with me. I've also learned to keep things like, "it can't get much worse" and "I can only go up from here!" out of my thoughts and words as much as possible. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's learned that every once in a while when you think things can't get much worse, just to humble you, they do get worse...a LOT worse.

I've come to think of times like this as "karmic avalanches." If you are paying attention, sometimes you can sense when it's going to start, and if you're lucky, you can ride the wave and not get completely tossed by it.

When these things happen in my own life, my wife, C, reminds me that I have some karmic debt to deal with. In fact, she believes, as do I, that part of my being drawn to New Mexico is to deal with some of my karmic debt. That thought was concerned by a Navajo herbalist I befriended. I was joking with her that I was thinking about getting a DNA test to determine if I have Native blood...I figure I must since I am so strongly drawn to Native healing and spiritual practices. She said, "Or maybe you were in another life. You probably have some karma to work out."

Karma is like a living hell. I don't buy into the concept of hell as described in the Christian bible...a place where sinners are sent after death to be punished for eternity. I resonate more with the way it is described in The Tenth Insight by James Redfield. He describes part of the Afterlife as a place where souls who completely miss the mark in life (side note: Eckhart Tolle mentions in The Power of Now that the original definition of "to sin" means "to miss the mark.") become trapped by their own grief and pain and repeat the same mistakes over and over again in the hell they create until they can remember enough of the life purpose they ignored to break free.

Karma can be like that in this life. If we ignore the lessons that are presented to us, they will be presented to us again and again until we remember. This concept of remembering is something I have read about over the years and something and something I discussed with my Navajo herbalist friend. She told me that is wasn't until recently that she remembered she is supposed to be an herbalist. Her father was a medicine man and she learned about the healing uses of traditional Navajo herbs her whole life, but she said it wasn't until recently that she remembered that she was meant to help the people through herbs. When I say "remembering", I am not talking about things like losing your car keys and then remembering where you left them. I am referring to remembering what our spiritual goals are in this lifetime; our life's purpose this time around. The transition from one life to the next is hard on a soul...so hard in fact that the things we accomplished spiritually in our previous life only show up in this lifetime as vague impressions, or interests that we develop. Part of our mission in every lifetime is to remember what it is we want to accomplish.

Karma has a role in this process. Karma is the ancient power of "what goes around, comes around." If we put bad energy into the Universe, bad energy will visit us. Of course when we put good energy into the Universe, we are blessed beyond belief. So how does this help us remember? Every day we are presented with situations in which we have choices. If we respond to a situation in a good way, then more good things happen. If we learn what we are supposed to from the situation, we can move on to something else. If we respond in a not so good way, we will end up being presented that lesson again so we have another opportunity to learn. The more we learn the lessons we are meant to, the more we remember. The more we remember, the closer we get to our spiritual goals in this lifetime.

What about the "when bad things happen to good people" idea?

We all know some really terrible things that have happened to good people. Have faith that there are lessons there too. Sometimes it doesn't seem fair or it doesn't seem right, but there is a purpose in it. If we pay attention, we might just figure it out one day.

When karma catches up to us, we would be wise to attend to it.

Twenty days after I got married the first time, my Mom died unexpectedly. The autopsy named cause of death heart disease secondary to obesity.

After years of reflection, I believe my Mom ignored karma one too many times.

I don't know at what point my Mom started gaining weight. I can only guess she turned to emotional eating because of her abusive father. I don't really know many of the details of their relationship, and whether or not that was the cause of her emotional eating, I am only speculating.

What I do know is what I observed during my lifetime. When I was quite young, Mom was diagnosed as borderline diabetic. The only thing I remember from that time is Mom stopped making cookies and cakes and started drinking Tab. Eventually she was placed on insulin injections. Years later, things shifted. She stopped taking insulin, and she never lost weight. Sometimes she would eat ice cream for breakfast. As she later reflected, one day she wore a pair of shoes that led to a diabetic ulcer. She ignored that ulcer until it developed gangrene and she had to have her big toe amputated. At 58 years old, she died in her sleep.

When one ignores karmic lessons, there are consequences.

This presented me with lessons in my own life. At age 33, I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. Even though I was aware of my family history, I chose to eat whatever I want and not exercise enough. Now I am faced with my own lessons...do I take the steps to reverse the disease and live as long and as healthy of a life as I can? Or do I ignore karma's call and die too young, full of disease?

Pay attention my friends. These lessons are presented to us gently unless we repeatedly ignore them. When karma calls and we don't answer, it will leave a message. Rest assured, it will call back. Unlike telemarketers, there are no laws governing when or how many times a day karma can call. It really is a gift to help us move forward if we graciously accept it. But know this: karma always calls collect, and sooner or later, you have to accept the charges.

The Stories We Tell and The Stories We Don't

Since my post "Everyone Has A Story" the concept of life stories has been at the forefront of my thoughts. I've been thinking about this part (the part I'm living through right now) of my story because, honestly, I have a lot of time to think right now. Before I go into my story in the present, I want to share how I became aware of the stories each of us have. A couple of years ago I started working as a music therapist at a rural hospital...25 beds. It was the first hospital gig I had, and I was the first staff music therapist they had. I had some ideas about what a hospital MT should do, but there was a lot of feeling my way through things on the beginning.

Within the first week or two, I figured something out that shaped the way I have lived as a healer and a music therapist ever since. It was at this time that I realized that yes, everyone has a story to tell but, most of the people I served were willing to tell me their story.

I have been told for years that I am easy to talk to. One of my co-workers told me I have "listening eyes." I found is person to be quite intelligent and quite insightful, so I trust her judgment.

Regardless, I soon figured out that music was the gateway for many of those patients to share their stories with me. A familiar song provided a sense of comfort, or perhaps triggered reminiscence. Often these people would discuss their concerns about their state of health, talk about the good old days going to dances with their spouse. Their children, grandchildren...the grandson who just shipped out to Iraq, the young mother who was on the cusp of spiritual enlightenment, but the reality of her unenlightened family and husband was overpowering...

People would share their very personal stories with me and I listened with respect and a caring ear. I offered insight when I could and commiserated at times. Sometimes I cried with them.

I realized the gift each of these people gave me, entrusting me with their stories. I also realized the responsibility that came with those gifts. Sometimes, those people just needed someone to hear them. They needed someone to listen. When I would try to explain this to others, they were often confused. I said, "Sometimes I would see a patient, sing one song, and we'd start talking. I would leave the room 45 minutes to an hour later, and it was a good music therapy session. One song, and it was a good session."

Now my music therapy friends will appreciate this idea. We try to meet the client where they are and take them where they need to go. Sometimes we make music for them. Sometimes we make music with them. Sometimes we cry with them or laugh with them and sometimes we just listen.

If you pay attention to people, they share parts of their stories all the time. There are people that always seem mad at the world, or happier than could be expected of even the most optimistic person. There are varying degrees in between, but I think the point is made. We have to realize that the stories people are willing to share with most of the world is only part of their story. Most of us walk around behind a facade, a mask. It's human nature...a defense mechanism, at least in the Western world. Let's face it, most of us would feel too vulnerable to put out there our real stories all the time. It would be open season on our emotional selves! Who needs that?

I have learned in my experience as a music therapist and healer that my openness can encourage others to be open too. Often that openness helps facilitate the healing process. Yet I keep parts of my story to myself.

This became evident to me at the chiropractor's office the other day.

When one of the ladies that works in the office was doing electro stim therapy on my neck, I shared with her that my wife and step daughter were going to visit me the following weekend and how much I was looking forward to it because it had been a month since I'd seen them.

One of the other girls who works in the office walked by and was teasing me in a good natured way about something that had happened soon after I started seeing this chiro. One day when I came in for an adjustment, this girl asked me if I wanted to do the stim therapy before the adjustment. I became slightly panicked, and stuttered a bit before saying no, I wanted to do the therapy after the adjustment. As it turned out, I was having an especially hard time dealing with feelings of loneliness and missing my family. That one small change to the routine seemed very upsetting.

The other day, this sassy blonde girl was teasing me about not liking change. She was doing so in a good natured way. Anyone who knows my wife, knows I like sassy. And she was just saying those things in fun, but today I decided to share part of my story I hadn't shared with the office staff. In mock exasperation I said, "You know, I've only been here a month and I've never lived anywhere but Iowa and I just got married for the second time in June and now I'm 1200 miles away from my wife and kids, so if sometimes I come in here and I'm a little neurotic, there's a reason for it."

I tired to keep my tone light even though my words weren't. I didn't want her to feel bad, but I felt it was important for her to understand where I was coming from. I'm careful who I tell this part of my story to and how I tell it. I don't want to be one of those people. You know the ones...the people who unpack their drama for anyone within earshot. It's a form of energy vampirism really. "Feel sorry for me so I can get your attention and thus your energy."

I don't want to be one of those.

Sometimes though, I feel it's important to let select people know that I am dealing with some personal challenges and that sometimes I might need some extra gentleness or just some understanding.

This seems to be the time for me to deal with some of these things in a very direct way.

Two different times this week I found myself in conversations where people were asking about my emotional adjustment to my job, my living situation and such.

The first was someone who will be mentoring me in my job. I admitted that around the second week I was here, I was talking to my wife, in tears. I said, "I don't want to be do this anymore. I miss you, I miss my kids. I want to come home."

I nearly broke into tears recounting that conversation.

My mentor's face grew sincere, intense. She asked me, "Can you do this?"

I assured her that even though I had tough days, that I could. I told her, "Besides, I'm a martial artist...I don't give up."

The second was my supervisor asking how I was settling in. He asked informed questions about if I had found a nice place to live and if I was developing a social network. Good questions to ask someone in my situation.

For every story that a person shares with someone else, there are many they keep to themselves. What would it be like if everyone wore their heart on their sleeves? I will guarantee you this: no matter how open and honest someone is, even if they say they are telling you their whole story, there are stories they keep to themselves. Sometimes they realize they are doing it and sometimes it is pure defense mechanism and the stories are buried deep. That's okay though...that's how a lot of us keep our sanity.

My friends, the stories you have collected in your own lives need to be given a voice. Not just the stories you share, but also the stories you don't share. That voice can still be safe, still remain protected. For me, my journal sees most of the stories I don't give voice to anywhere else. Even so, there are some things I keep to myself. But maybe, just maybe we can coax a small bit of one of those untold stories out to share with someone...even if it's only on paper.

You might be surprised though...sometimes the things that you think will shock and horrify people actually encourage them to be a little more open.

"Hey, I have to tell you, I'm kind of a freak."

"What a relief! So am I!"

Who knows?

But I've got a strong intuition that if, as a global culture, we could all share a little more of our inner selves, there would be a lot less conflict in the world. Maybe we could all relate to each other a little better.

More relating to each other and more understanding; yeah, I think that would be good.

Everyone Has A Story

During my last MT gig, I learned a universal and undeniable truth: everyone has a story. In a follow up post, I'll explore how I learned those lessons. For now, a few thoughts about those stories we all have.

The idea for this post came to me at a restaurant.

I was sitting perpendicular to a table with a large indigenous family...at least twenty people celebrating a child's birthday.

After the cake was served, a couple of the younger kids, three years old or so, started chasing each other...crawling.

I kept glancing at the kids and smiling. A couple of the moms saw me looking and got up and put a stop to the chase.

I don't know if the parents were embarrassed by the behavior or if they didn't appreciate the guy sitting alone in the restaurant looking at their kids.

Then I thought back to something another white teacher said to me. She got the impression that a lot of the indigenous families in the area are strict with their kids...maybe I was witnessing a cultural expression.

I wanted to say, "Your kids are cute! I'm far away from my family and seeing your kids happy gives me hope that maybe my kids are happy too!"

But it seemed out of place to intervene in their parenting...especially not knowing their stories.

It's for similar reasons that I try to make friends with every dog I see...so I don't miss the furry friends I left behind. Or the reason I smile when I see a couple holding hands or talking sweetly in hushed tones. I remember how good it is to be with the love of my life.

I think about the line from the Bon Jovi song Bed of Roses, "As I dream about movies they won't make of me when I'm dead."

He viewed his life as a story, just as I do. I can't count how many times I say something like, "I guess that's part of my story" or sometimes our story when talking with my wife.

I share bits of my story with people here...I'm newlywed, away from my wife and kids...I smile when kids are being joyful children...

Almost as an afterthought, I enjoy "The Most Interesting Man in the World." One of his thoughts seems appropriate here: "It's never too early to start beefing up your obituary."

What will your obituary say?

What's your story?

If you don't like it, change the plot,.change the characters, but YOU write it.

Live your story every day!

Waiting For My Real Life To Begin: Colin Hay's Music and the Dichotomy that is me

Recently, on the drive to work, I was listening to Colin Hay's "Man at Work" album. In recent months, since buying the album, I find that I really connect with a lot of the lyrics. I will admit that I became familiar with Colin Hay by watching Scrubs. I thought "Waiting" was a beautiful song, and "Overkill" was pretty cool too. I was not familiar with the Men at Work version of the song. I guess that goes back to something my mother said often about me...I have strange gaps in my knowledge.

As I was singing along with "Waiting" that morning, I got choked up. As a music therapist, I've learned that one reason music is so powerful is because of the personal connection people can form with it. Hearing a certain song can instantly transport someone to a different time and place.

I have lost a lot of people close to me and music connects me to each of those experiences. "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan came on the radio when we were driving to be with my Dad after my Mom died. "It's Alright" by Huey Lewis and The News was on the radio when we were driving to my best friend Merry's memorial service and I will always think of my Dad's passing when I hear the Adagietto from Mahler's Fourth (a story for another time).

A lot of songs make me think of my beloved wife and everything we have been through in our short time together. "Waiting For My Real Life To Begin" is one of them.

Three weeks after I proposed to my wife, I lost my job. I had unknowingly, and very incorrectly tied my sense of self and self worth to my job...again, a story for another time. When another job did not present itself readily, I slipped into a deep depression. On top of that, my then bride to be took it upon herself to be the primary financial support for me and my children. I kept saying, "I'll make things right by you." She expressed her trust that I would.

I'll throw in a bit a lyric analysis here and there:"Any minute now, my ship is coming in...I'll keep checking the horizon..."

This reflects my sentiment of "I'll make things right by you" and as with other lines of this song, it expresses an assuredness of the wonderful things to come...something I forgot at times.

"And you say, 'be still my love, open up your heart, let the light shine in.'"

This is the voice of my wife. She was my biggest supporter and my strength through this difficult time. More than that, she says things like that to me frequently...fully embody your spiritual self...let your light shine!

"Don't you understand? I've already have a plan, I'm waiting for my real life to begin."

Here is where the dichotomy in my thinking kicks in...but I'll get to that later.

When I woke today, suddenly, nothing happened, but in my dream I slew the dragon...

So many days, waiting for call backs, hoping for interviews, searching for more job leads...wondering why my life was turning out as it was. I was born to do important things! I was called to a life of service and helping people...making a difference. Were those dreams on hold? Had they vanished altogether?

Further into the song we find "Just be here now, forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin"

Something else very similar to the things my wife often says. She is so tapped in to the Universal Wisdom. This woman that I am sharing my life with is truly one of the strongest people I have ever met. She has to be to withstand the torrent of emotions I bring to the table at times. She is also the kindest, most gentle life partner I could have hoped for. She reminds me, "be here, now." She sees through all the masks I have ever worn, and she still loves me. I could not have dreamed of a better woman to spend the rest of this lifetime with.

...and I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call. It's gonna happen soon, soon, oh very soon, it's just that times are lean.

I know my wife took a lot of flack from family and friends...asking when that next job was going to materialize. In her own sweet way, she didn't really give me a lot of details of those conversations.

Let me say again, she is one of the strongest people I have ever met.

In my moments of clarity and being tapped in myself, I kept saying, "Something BIG is about to happen! I can feel it!" Often she would say something like "That's wonderful! I'm so happy for you!"

The she'd would be right there to support me when I hit another rough patch.

Here's the dichotomy in thinking...and this reminds me so much of the concept of "doublethink" that George Orwell discusses in 1984...the idea of saying one thing, but believing the exact opposite.

It also reminds me of something the ordained minister/college professor said during a religion class I took: "I believe that the Bible is the absolute word of God. At the same time, it is FULL of contradictions and inconsistencies."

For purposes of this post, my version is: Waiting For My Real Life To Begin is a beautiful song that connects with me on a very deep level because I relate the lyrics so closely to my own life...and yet the very title of it goes against every belief about how to live life.

Do you read Eckhart Tolle?

The ideas he shares about present moment awareness...truly life changing. The ideas are not new as he admits, but his method of delivery resonate with me. You can find parts of talks he gives on YouTube too.

His book The Power of Now reminds us that ALL we ever have is the present moment. How many times have you said, "I'll be happy when I drive this kind of car" or "When I make this amount of money, I'll be set!" Maybe you think a house, or a baby or new clothes will make you happy...the list goes on.

I know I've done that...hung my happiness on material possessions, or money or relationships.

You can't wait for life to begin. It's happening, right now.

The job that I found took me 1200 miles away from my family, for at least an academic year. Yes, there are breaks, but it is certainly the longest I have been away from my children...my wife too. Sometimes this doesn't seem like my real life. I've thought, "I will be so much happier when I am closer to my family!" I realize of course the error in that thinking.

I believe happiness is the awareness of being connected to the whole of humanity. Realizing that we are all spiritual beings and we're here to help each other out. Joy, lightness, ease, all come from staying rooted in the present moment.

Just be here now, forget about the past...

I try to live in the present moment as Eckhart suggests...that is a work in progress for me. Being in this place, in this highly spiritual place that I have been led to has clarified things for me. Some of the things I used to think we're important, really aren't. Each day, I try to live a life of service; a spiritual life. I remember one of His Holiness, The Dalai Lama's favorite prayers: "Guide me and heal me, so that I may be of greater service to others."

On a clear day, I can see, see a very long way.

3 reasons I don't believe in bulleted lists

I'm new to the blogging world. I've only been at it for a few months now. The number of views I get goes up and down depending on what I post. I don't repost links to my posts...some people do, and that's fine for them, but I figure that the people who are supposed to read my stuff will find it one way or another. But I digress.

So here are the three reasons I don't believe in bulleted lists:

• I'm a bit of a non-conformist. I've read "how to" blogs about improving your blog. One of the tips a lot of people mention is blogging with bulleted lists. I'm guessing the idea is that in our fast paced technological life, people want bite sized pieces of information spoon fed to them. I've long been the exception to the rules, and I believe that by blogging without the nice and tidy lists, I'm holding true to my non-conformist nature. Note: I have a lot of online friends that blog from time to time with bulleted lists and their blogs have huge readerships and are very popular...I'm not thumbing my nose at my comrades of the keyboard...I'm gettin' all Sinatra on it and doing it MY way...no disrespect intended.
• You need to slow down! By making my readers work a bit more to extrapolate the truth I'm sharing, I encourage people to take a small break from the break-neck pace of their lives. Mine all the little nuggets of wisdom and sometimes insanity that I throw your way. You may not be quoting a laundry list to your friends, but maybe you'll have a chance to meditate on my words and interrupt the maddening rate at which your life flies by.
• I intend to be required reading. No, this isn't some fanciful thought and it isn't a hyp0manic episode (thanks to the meds). This is me visioning, thinking outside of the box and doing it in a big way! What if, just what if MY random musing became required reading for music therapists in the future? Do you think Sun Tzu ever imagined his efforts in writing "The Art of War" would someday be required reading for every student at a military academy half a world away, thousands of years after he wrote it? I'm hedging my bets that the philosophical writers like myself are more likely to get on a required reading list than list writers (again, no disrespect my brothers and sisters).
• I write for myself. Yes, the title of the post says "3 reasons" and I'm giving you 4...told you I was a non-conformist! Anyhow, I don't write this blog to be popular. I write so that others might benefit from my ideas, but mostly, I write for myself. To express all these ideas I have and take a thing or two off my overloaded mind.

Insatiable cravings for Bob Dylan and bacon

I've been thinking a lot about cravings lately. Several weeks ago I realized there were two things I could not get enough of...Bob Dylan's music, and bacon.

Any time I was in my office, I was listening to Dylan...I'd listen on my drive to and from work...I'd listen at home. I could not get enough. It was almost as bad with bacon. They sell bacon by the strip in the dining room at work...that was not a good situation, let me tell you!

I've heard that when you crave a certain food, it's because something is lacking in your diet. I'm not sure what nutritional value I could have gained from bacon, but I ate a lot of it. What need was the bacon fulfilling? What about the music?

What is it about Bob Dylan's music that I couldn't get enough of?

Did I have a deficiency of 60's folk? Was I needing a touch of social revolution?

I still turn to Dylan quite a bit...so much so that one of my office mates very diplomatically asks to turn it off when she's in the office.

But this concept of craving...desire. The Four Truths of Buddha say:

1. Life is suffering

2. Suffering is caused by the want of worldly things (desire/craving)

3. Suffering will end when worldly things are rejected

4. Seek the eternal, the everlasting...God

Maybe I wanted to keep suffering...that's why I had such strong cravings. I'm also reminded of something Eckhart Tolle says in "The Power of Now"...he relates a favorite technique of a Zen master to focus his students on the present moment. The Zen master would simply ask, "What at this moment is lacking?"

When one is focused in the present moment, which is all we have, then there is no desire, no craving.

Random thought: There's a polar opposite in this respect regarding Jedi and Sith...Jedi are supposed to be without craving; Sith are driven by cravings.

Perhaps this was just a way of the Universe reminding me to stay present. We could all do with more mindfulness. Maybe all of us but the Zen masters and Eckhart Tolle.

The Amazing Power of Children

Yesterday I had a rough day. The kind of day where you doubt the reason for your very existence. The kind of day you where you'd just like to stay in bed, but you don't because people are counting on you.

I'll spare you the gruesome details, but for me, today was NOT all rainbows and puppies.

In the afternoon I had an appointment with my chiropractor/acupuncturist. She does the chiropractic adjustment, then does the sticks needles into whichever points she thinks will help the chi flow better on a given day.

After my session with her, I was feeling better, but still gloomy.

I went to pick my kids up from daycare (for the youngest) and the after-school program my school age children attend. First stop was my four year old's room.

He was picking up a puzzle he had been working on as I was crossing the room. Two adorable girls were reading books on a bench. As I got close to them, one of them stood up and said, "I'm going to tickle you!" and proceeded to do so.

I was taken aback momentarily. With mock surprise I asked, "Why are you tickling me?"

The girl giggled and her friend started giggling too.

Before I knew it, I had a swarm of four year olds descend upon me, tickling me and giggling.

In a matter of seconds, in a purely self defensive act, I began tickling each of them as well. Soon we were all laughing and having a good time.

I asked the teacher if they had been doing this to everyone, or if it was just me. The teacher replied, "it's just you."

Then it struck me...something truly amazing had happened. It reminded me of times when I had cats or dogs in my life. One day you're feeling sick, or maybe you're emotionally off balance, and that dear family pet will cuddle up with, being all cute and endearing and doing what they can to make you feel better. I realized these children were doing the same thing for me!

At the age of four, tickling someone or being tickled is just about the best thing for a natural high. It's fun, it feels good and gets us to smile and laugh. The child who initiated the tickling, on some level must have sensed my emotional unrest, and in a pure, kind and loving gesture, she did what she knew how to do to help me feel better...she tickled me. The innate intelligence of children never ceases to amaze me!

I don't really have a relationship with any of my son's friends...they just know me as his dad. So this act of caring was quite unique and unexpected.

As I was leaving the daycare this morning after signing my son in, I held the door for the girl and her mother as they were walking in...the girl, in passing, reached up and gave me a little tickle. I asked, "Are you tickling me again?"

The girl and her mother both chuckled.

And you know what? I felt better after being swarmed by tickling four year olds than I felt all day.

Am I in your way?

How many times has someone said this to you? "Oh, I'm sorry, am I in your way?"

Long ago, I developed a reply that most people don't expect. Many people recently have noted the "great wisdom" (their words, not mine) in the sentiment.

So here is my reply: "You're not in my way. You may be right where I want to be, but you're never in my way."

What this all comes down to is a sense of self-worth or self-importance.

I recall being in a grocery store once, standing in the middle of a wide open space.  A rather irritated voice from behind me said, "Excuse me!" I obliged and stepped to the side, murmuring an apology. I then noticed that this woman, was by herself, with no cart or shopping basket and had asked me to move out of her way so that she could continue to walk in a straight line instead of walking a half step around me in this wide open space. In her mind, I was in  her way...I was not important enough to step to the side to walk around. That woman had what I would consider an inflated sense of self-importance.

So many times when I hear people say "am I in your way?" I also hear the implication that they do not believe they are important enough to be where there are at that moment.

As a Unitarian Universalist, one of our guiding principles is believing in the inherent worth and dignity of all human beings. Before I became UU, I had an understanding of this concept.

It came to me after I became a parent for the first time.

We would walk into a restaurant, with our beautiful daughter in her car seat, and the host or hostess would almost always ask, "Two and a half?"

I quickly realized how dehumanizing this cutesy question really was. I would calmly reply (most of the time) "No, there's three of us. My daughter is a whole person."

These subtle things that have become commonplace in our language, that we don't even think about are very telling I think.

Think about how many times parents say to their children in public, "That lady wants to get through, get out of the way!" The message the child receives on some level is that they are not important enough to stand or play or exist in the same place someone else might want to be. Are we on some level diminishing our children's sense of self-worth by simple phrases such as these?

One of my office mates has changed her language since being around me. Now she will often preface things by saying, "I know I'm not in your way, but do you need to be here?" (indicating the desk where the office computer is)

Try this small change in your language patterns and see how people respond to you. My experience has been delightful! The message it spreads is one of humbleness with our own sense of self-importance...after all, it may be important for me to be in a particular place at a particular time, but it may be just as important to the person who is where I want to be!

So it helps us remain humble, because we let go of the idea that others need to move a half step to the side, and instead we can be the ones to move a half step to the side. It also helps lift up the people we point this out to. We communicate to them, "Hey! I want to be where you are, but you have just as much right as I do to be here now...you're important too!"

The energy shift in people is amazing when the feel validated by someone in this way. That is why my experience in using this phrase has been delightful!

What are some of the ways you use a simple turn of a phrase or a small gesture to lift up someone or brighten the world around you?