I Am Fearless In My Heart
It will come as no surprise to anyone who knows me, or anyone who has followed my work that I find deep, significant meaning in music, and song lyrics.
I go through phases of listening to certain songs that resonate with me, inspire me, and motivate me. As someone living with treatment resistant depression, and anxiety, sometimes these motivational songs get a lot of play.
A song from my youth that was a huge motivator for me is Steve Vai's "The Audience Is Listening." The music video for the song illustrates perfectly the story line of the music. A teacher is talking to a school age boy about him playing a guitar composition for his class. As the teacher introduced "Little Stevie Vai", she invites his friends to come up and play with him (forming the rest of the band).
What ensues is a loud, raucous, and sassy bit of electric guitar virtuosity. Check it out here.
Near the end of the song, "Little Stevie" and grown up Steve Vai say these immortal words:
I am fearless in my heart
They will always see that in my eyes
I am The Passion
I am The Warfare
I will never stop
Always constant,
Accurate,
And intense
For so many years, these words helped me keep going when it would have been so easy to give up. It was a reminder to myself; I am FEARLESS in my heart!
The first lines of these words, in essence, became like a mantra for me...
I am fearless in my heart
They will always see that in my eyes
I am fearless in my heart
They will always see that in my eyes
Over and over I would repeat the words until I felt like I could continue with my life.
But a few months ago, listening to "The Audience Is Listening" and reciting those powerful words, I choked up.
A sobering truth slammed into me like a mag lev train at full power...
It was a lie.
I realized that I am NOT fearless.
I sent a panicked text to a dear friend and admitted that I am scared every single day. Sometimes it's what's called "floating anxiety" (a background anxiety about nothing specific) sometimes I am absolutely convinced that my partner will leave me, my children will never speak me again, the money will run out, and I'll end up cold, and alone in some gutter somewhere, dying a miserable death, and forgotten by the ages.
It's a lot, right? That's what it's like on almost a daily basis in my head.
Ah, but I missed something!
I missed something critical, and it wasn't until weeks later that I found what I missed...the phrase "in my heart."
Now I would love to drop the mike here, but I should explain.
I am a highly intellectual person. I think, rethink, and overthink...except when I'm impulsive, and I don't think...
Intellectual ways of being are very necessary. Intellectually living helps me analyze and understand things in a deep way, but intellect itself is unbalanced.
I have instinctively developed an intellectual, and logical way of being because it feels much safer than having to deal with emotions. Cold, rational, intellectual...that's the way to insulate from those pesky, and sometimes terrifying emotions.
There are things in my life that I can trace back these coping mechanisms to. That's another story.
In recent years, with the help of my partner, I have been trying to live a more heart centered life. That is where the emotions live.
Some of this I figured out on my own. I couldn't have been a good music therapist all these years if I was all intellect, all the time. But, I still default to that way of being in times of stress.
So back to Steve Vai's words...
Remember when I was describing how the anxiety, the fear manifests itself? I said "That's what it's like on almost a daily basis in my head." (is it gauche to quote myself?)
I am FEARFUL in my head.
Like Steve Vai, I am FEARLESS in my heart.
I have ample evidence of this. When I am thinking about my business, and my spiritual journey in this life time, I have doubts, I have fears. When I approach these things from a heart centered place, there is no fear. There is only knowing. Knowing that this human being is doing his best to relate to his work and other human beings in the best way he knows how. There is knowing that what I have to share with the word is meaningful, and important, and a unique gift given to me that must be shared.
When I operate from my heart, there is more authenticity in my way of being with myself, and others. I am more truly myself.
Steve Vai's words are profound to me. I don't know if his intention was for the way I have come to understand those words, but I am grateful that he shared this part of his authenticity with the world.
Eckhart Tolle, when speaking of present moment awareness says that when we initially begin to practice it, we may only achieve a few seconds of present moment awareness at a time, but that with continued practice, we can live more and more in the present moment.
With that in mind, I look forward to the time when:
I am fearless in my heart
They will ALWAYS see that in my eyes.