Leave and Begin Again

Twenty minutes before my alarm went off this morning, I stopped struggling...I was awake for the day. I did not sleep well. I suppose I have a lot on my mind.

In a few days, I will leave the Four Corners area of New Mexico, and move to Jacksonville, Florida.

A strange twist of fate, though not so strange if I really think about it, inspired the school district I am working for to hire someone directly and end my contract through the staffing agency I work for...at the end of February.

Although the timing is quite odd, I don't question too closely the motivations of school administrators. My wish was for continuity of the program I developed so the kids on my caseload would continue to receive service...I got that. I also have the opportunity to familiarize my successor with the district, the caseload and the challenges I have run in to...a rare opportunity indeed. As a bonus, I will be moving to a place where the low temps are currently similar to the high temps in this part of New Mexico. I was concerned that I was getting "old" because I am looking forward to the warmer weather. I grew up in Iowa...we're used to a wide range of weather. Then I realized that here in New Mexico, I have been living in a place with unreliable and inadequate hot water, and no central heat. The thought of not needing a space heater, multiple layers of blankets, including an electric blanket (thanks Sis!) and multiple layers of clothes, including a hoodie, with the hood up, just to survive the nights, sounds pretty good.

So I leave behind mesas and canyons and streets without names that confuse my GPS, and I will embrace the ocean, and palm trees and gated communities.

I am painfully aware of some of the "lasts" I am experiencing.

I mindfully engaged in my last Friday night ritual of visiting the natural grocery store after my chiropractic appointment, and lingered one last time near the essential oils and soaps. I went to pray at the base of Shiprock Peak one last time to give thanks for the many lessons I have learned while in New Mexico, and to ask for more lessons and a safe journey to Florida. I have a last meal at my favorite restaurants and try one here or there that I may never see again. I am figuring out when I can bid my friends at Starbucks farewell, as I rush to pack and prepare to leave in a few days...and did I mention I am still working of my masters through this transition?

I have three days left. Three days working I this place that I have hated, and I have loved. A place I couldn't wait to get out of, yet now I feel slight resistance to leave.

Next week, I begin three short months to do whatever I can to serve the kids on my new caseload. This week, I cram my New Mexican life into my Outback, and hope I can make it all fit...without the benefit of my wife's keen spatial abilities.

I know my life here won't fit in the hatchback. It can't be lashed to the roof rack either. I've grown too much since I came here.

People are surprised that I seem so calm about this change mid school year. I tell them, "I believe I was led to New Mexico as part of my spiritual journey. It seems I have learned what I was supposed to learn here...now it's time to learn somewhere else."

I embrace that I am meant to leave this place and begin again in another place.

I just hope I get some good sleep before driving across the country...I'm really tired.

Unfolding of a Spiritual Journey

The funny thing about spiritual journeys is that sometimes you don't realize you' re in the midst of them. Other times, if you pay attention, you are acutely aware of the spiritual significance of your path. I knew almost immediately when I was hired for a job in New Mexico, that is was because a significant spiritual journey was in the works for me. It was almost like Great Spirit looked upon me and thought, "He's stuck...he's just not getting it...he needs to be somewhere else."

They say that when something is meant to be, the steps to get there will seem nearly effortless. Things will fall into place as the Universe rises to support the endeavor before you. The path to that point may be full of challenges, but when it's time, you will be amazed how easy everything seems!

The time between my application with a staffing agency until I accepted the position in New Mexico was no more than 3 or 4 days...I had been out of work for fourteen months.

"Pay attention!" my mind said..."Something big is about to happen!"

Now, I'll let you in on a little secret...I have spirit guides that speak to me, when I am tapped in enough to listen.

I was hesitant to share this detail with the world...once when a psychiatrist asked me if I heard voices that no one else hears, I truthfully said that I did...I was placed on anti-psychotics.

I learned that it is important to add, in similar situations, that the voices are consistent with the patient's spiritual beliefs.

My spirit guides have a collective nickname, and I think it's amusing how the nickname came about. While driving with C one day, we were having a conversation heavily influenced by our spirit guides. It seems my guides have a rather snarky sense of humor on the whole. I was communicating exactly what I was experiencing, and a lot of good natured teasing was coming through. At one point, C made a comment about my guides being like my own personal peanut gallery. What popped into my head immediately was, "Cashew. Cashew Gallery."

I immediately started laughing for two reasons: 1. I was eating cashews at the time (one of my favorite snacks) and 2. That is exactly the type of comment I would make.

From that moment on, my spirit guides have been referred to as "The Cashews."

Almost two years ago, I had a powerful experience during a workshop with a shaman at a holistic learning conference. After the session, I spoke with the shaman and I told him I was strongly drawn to follow a shaman's path. He smiled, hugged me and said, "Welcome home."

I was told if I was meant to travel the path of a shaman, I would find a teacher when the time was right.

When I learned I was moving to New Mexico, the Cashews kept telling me, "You're on the right path. You will find a teacher."

A few short weeks after moving to the Southwest, I went to the Navajo Nation Fair in Window Rock, Arizona. On the way, I was wandering in the general direction of Window Rock and the road took me over a beautiful mountain. As I descended the other side, I happened upon a tiny waterfall. I stopped to enjoy the cold, fresh water and offer a prayer of thanks for the beautiful day, and to ask to be guided to a teacher. The message again resonated in my soul: "You will find a teacher."

As I started walking around the vendor booths at the fair, I noticed that several vendors were selling similar things. I saw bags of corn kernels, yellow and white, occasionally blue, as well as bags of corn meal. I was confused by the bags of what appeared to be evergreen needles at the booths. A few vendors were selling carved lengths of wood, not quite as big around as the business end of a Louisville Slugger.

I was feeling quite out of place, convinced I was the only white guy at the fair (which I later discovered was not true) but finally I asked a man who was examining the carved shafts of wood what they were used for. He told me the end was lit on fire and then used to keep burning whatever was being smoked during a ceremony, tobacco, marijuana, whatever.

Feeling thankful for his thorough explanation, I decided to ask what the evergreen needles, which I now noticed were labelled "cedar" and "flat leaf cedar" were used for. The man kindly explained that they are used for prayer. The needles are burned and the pleasing aroma is used to clear away negative energy. I thanked the man and continued to browse.

At another booth, I decided to buy a small medicine bag. I asked the woman at the booth what the bags of corn I saw everywhere were used for. "Prayer"she replied. White corn for men and yellow corn for women. She directed me to the man at the next booth who was selling bags of corn. As I was paying for the corn, I asked the man what the corn meal was used for. His answer was...prayer. I bought some corn meal as well.

I had landed in a highly spiritual part of the country...everything was sacred!

As I continued to browse, I came upon a Navajo woman who was selling herbs, her husband, the best medicine bags I had ever seen.

She had many jars of Navajo herbs and as I read their uses, I saw one that claimed to lower blood sugar. As a loosely controlled diabetic, I decided to buy some. I talked with the woman for a while and eventually asked her if she ever taught what she knows about herbs. She said her sister taught sometimes but she didn't really. I thanked her and went on my way. (I later discovered the herb she sold me was very powerful and immediately improved my blood sugar levels).

I was somewhat disappointed, because I thought for sure that this woman was the teacher the Cashews assured me I would find. All of a sudden, a thought struck me and I laughed out loud (not LOLed). I had been blessed with MANY teachers that day!

My instincts told me to go back and talk to the herbalist again.

Something had been weighing heavily on my mind...I asked her what she had to help anxiety. What do you think her answer was?

Prayer.

That sparked the beginning of a friendship that was mutually beneficial. I found out that the herbalist and her husband vended regularly at a market in Gallup, NM, two hours from where I was living, though they lived near Flagstaff, AZ.

I told them I would see them soon, and I did.

Over the next few months, I spent hours talking with them about herbs, healing, white culture and indigenous culture. I learned a lot from them and they learned a lot from me. She told me they really enjoyed having my perspective on life, the history between our people and the current state of spirituality in the world.

The last time I saw them, her husband agreed to teach me how he makes his medicine bags.

I fear I may never learn.

Today may be my last chance to ever see my friends, and they have not been vending during the winter months.

You see, my spiritual journey in New Mexico is nearly complete.

It seems I have learned what I came here to learn, and now it is time for me to learn elsewhere.

Through an unexpected turn of events, the school district I have been working for hired someone directly for my position and ended their contract with my staffing agency. In less than a week, I will move to Jacksonville, Florida to finish the school year.

I have learned so much during my time in New Mexico. I have complete faith that I am being led to the place I need to go to continue this spiritual journey.

I will be away from C and my children for a while longer, but it seems I am meant to continue this journey on my own for now.

I find comfort in the knowledge that I will be close to a childhood friend I have not seen much in recent years and close to my mother in law...many lessons to learn from her :)

Pay attention to the lessons in front of you. Not everyone needs to traipse around the country to engage their spiritual journey. Every journey is a spiritual journey. Think of the wisdom contained in taking care of a sick child, showing kindness to a stray animal or stepping forward as an agent of positive change in your community. One moment of fully conscious awareness will do more for the evolution of your spiritual journey than you can imagine.

Whether your path leads you into the depths of your soul, or to Jacksonville, Florida, stay alert to the power of each moment.

Be. Here. Now.

Every Day is a New Day

Today on my morning drive, I was noticing the extraordinary beauty of the landscape. I wondered if I had just been oblivious to it lately or if today was really exceptional for some reason. The thought entered my mind "It's a new day."

I was immediately reminded of that scene in Sister Act 2 where Whoopi Goldberg is preaching to her students about the fact that it was a new day.

Yesterday, significant things happened for both me and my wife in our respective lives. I was feeling so blessed that each of us are manifesting things to move our individual lives and thus our life together in the direction we desire.

With a joyful sigh, I thought, "It's a new day."

My reverie was gently broken by a thought somewhere way in the back of my mind... every day is a new day.

Yes! How could I have been so asleep? So mind identified? EVERY day is a new day!

When we ground ourselves in the present moment, each moment is new and each moment is an opportunity for awakening.

The old adage "SSDD, Same Shit Different Day" is a creation of the ego. This keeps us mind identified and unconscious.

My still mind identified outlook on life may be different today because of news from yesterday, but the essence of who I am has not changed.

Though our life situations may have changed, my wife and I are still the same physical forms embodying the universal consciousness as we were yesterday, last year or at the moment of our births into this lifetime.

Feeling so blessed for these brief moments of satori!

Every day is a new day...with countless opportunities to live right here, right now!

Long Weekend in Santa Fe

I had rare gift this past weekend...time alone with my wife. We do get to have date nights occasionally, although those are few and far between when we are living in different states, and most often we have some combination of our children with us. In fact, we haven't had this much time, just the two of us, since our honeymoon last June.

My cunning wife made an amazing opportunity happen for us. The Unitarian Universalist church we belong to in Iowa holds a Treats and Talents auction every year as a fundraiser. Last fall, my wife won a stay at a couple's home in Santa Fe, bed and breakfast style.

Esther and Bob are a spry and active couple in their early eighties, married over 60 years now. They belonged to the UU church many years ago in Iowa and offer a stay at their beautiful home every year for the auction. My wife spotted the potential for the two of us to have a weekend together, and she made it happen. Neither of us had ever been to Santa Fe and we were excited to discover the city together.

My beloved was scheduled to arrive just before 1300 on Friday after Valentine's Day. We discussed me leaving around noon that day from work to pick her up. From my office, it would take me at least three and a half hours to drive to the airport. She was content to have a leisurely lunch, maybe catch a shuttle or cab into town and explore until I got there.

What I didn't tell her was that I was working extra hours so I could take the entire day off on Friday and meet her when the flight landed. Surprise honey!

Neither one of us realized how small the Santa Fe airport is. My first clue was Thursday night when I put the address for the airport into my Garmin and the listing read Santa Fe Municipal Airport.

I arrived at the terminal about 45 minutes before my wife's plane was scheduled to land. I noticed signs stating that parking in all areas of the airport was $3.00 per day. When I parked and walked up to the terminal, I saw a sign that said "Did you remember to pay your parking? Cash or Check, No Credit or Debit Cards...Use Drop Box. I started to wonder if I had passed the hitching posts for the horses in the parking lot...

When I finally found the drop box inside the terminal, I realized my checkbook was not with me, and I didn't have exact cash. I opted for staying in my car until the arrival time, then moving my car to the 15 minute spaces for loading and unloading.

The airport was small enough that I was able to see her get off of the plane, then conceal myself just a bit to add to the surprise of me waiting there for her. After a brief and joyous reunion, we set out to find our hosts for the weekend. A quick meet and greet and dropping off our gear, and we were checking out the city.

There are so many great local restaurants in Santa Fe, we were glad to get recommendations from Esther and Bob. One of our favorites was Jambo Cafe...African and Carribean fare. The place was super busy when we arrived, but we got a table pretty quickly. After ordering, we were waiting for our food and enjoying each other's company. Soon, the owner/chef was delivering food to another table and took a long look at our empty table. A moment later, he stopped by and asked if we had eaten already. We told him we had not, and he looked frustrated, made some comment of acknowledgement, and disappeared into the kitchen. A couple of minutes later, our server came to our table with two bowls of soup, the daily specials. He told us the soup was on the house and apologized, but someone had closed out our table, and our orders had to be put in again. After he confirmed our orders, we dipped into the soups...and they were amazing! Coconut, lime, lentil (my favorite) and black bean, sweet potato (C's favorite).

We didn't actually wait long for our food, but I was impressed with the owner's pride and commitment to service. Jambo Cafe is a definite must when you visit Santa Fe!

We spent most of our time together exploring shops, art galleries, restaurants and doing one of our favorite things...talking.

C and I talk...it's our thing. When she was making travel arrangements for our honeymoon, she asked me if I would rather fly from Wisconsin to Florida, or drive. Without hesitation, I answered "drive!" All that time together, talking? No doubt...drive!

This weekend we had a lot to talk about. Our own spiritual journeys, our life journey together...planning for life when we are living in the same place again, planning for life until we are.

What we realized is that by the end of our time together, we had rediscovered "us" as a couple and remembered the reasons we fell in love. The intimacy we share was renewed and strengthened, and we could be just us...life partners. Not mom or dad, or any other role we have...just us.

When I was driving her to the airport this morning, before the sunrise, we were talking about the beginning of our relationship. She realized that I must have had strong ideas about where I wanted our relationship to go long before she did. We reflected on when each of us knew we were falling in love...it happened at different times for each of us, and much faster than either of us expected.

It's good to reflect on those moments from time to time. This weekend was so important for us. We had been married for a little over two months before our marriage became a long distance one. This time to reconnect as a couple was priceless.

Now, as C returns to the Midwest, I linger in Santa Fe, realizing the city has lost some of its luster now that my beloved is not here enjoying it with me.

Tomorrow, we both return to our respective jobs, so grateful for this time together, hopeful for our path forward together, and more in love than ever.

Valentine's Day

I've never thought Valentine's Day was a big deal. It's too commercial, the roses are too expensive, the now cliche heart shaped box of chocolates (bad for my diabetes) and all the hoopla...

Why would I want to wait three hours for a table at a restaurant that I could normally be seated in 15 minutes??

Nope, never cared much for it.

But my wife does.

This is our first Valentine's Day as a married couple. We've both been excited this week because we get to spend a three day weekend together...the first weekend alone since our honeymoon.

We've both been extra lovey dovey lately...but I dropped the ball.

Miscommunication can quickly shift the energy of a situation.

Tomorrow starts our weekend alone, and the last time we will see each other for at least two months...and we had a fight.

I did not understand the importance of this particular day to my beloved. This day. Not the weekend closest to this day, but this day itself.

There are a lot of changes going on at work, and I have been busy with a few surprises for our weekend together...and my lovey dovey energy kind of dropped off today. Looking forward to the weekend, I forgot about today. I didn't REALLY forget...but my acknowledgement of this day was not quite what my wife would have liked.

It may sound like my wife is high maintenance...she is.

I'm high maintenance too...we both own it.

To be fair, she did not see the meme of Obi-Wan that read "You've got the droids I'm looking for" that I reported on Facebook this morning.

I know...total guy version of marking the day.

She acknowledges my romantic side as well...I am a poet, and thoughtful gift giver...

I just don't dig Valentine's Day the way she does...but that's where I erred.

It's like making the bed in the morning. She likes a nicely made bed and I think it's a waste of time...but on those rare days she asks me to make the bed, I do it... because I love her.

If my transferable skills were serving me today, I would have made a bigger deal out of today, no matter what surprises await her this weekend... because I love her.

So my beloved, if you happen to read this before you sleep tonight, or even before you catch that early flight to come spend the weekend with me, please accept this as an apology. What's important to you is important to me, and I'm sorry I forgot that.

I can't wait to hold you close and whisper in your ear just how much I love you.

Sweet dreams mi corazon.

Screw The Rules

How many of you out there remember when MTV still had M? Martha Quinn, Headbangers Ball, Top 20 Video Countdown...the good old days.

Personally I think the downturn happened when The Real World ushered in the age of "reality" television.

I remember back in those glory days of music television, one commercial that had a profound effect on me. So profound that I memorized the monologue spoken during the commercial. Picture a young man with a basketball looking pensive...I'll lay it out for you:

You know, you try to figure it out... Either you're exactly the same as everyone else Which is really boring Or you're so totally out there that you've got nothing in common with anyone Which is scary as hell. But there ought to be at least some way to find out the rules

(insert dramatic pause here)

Screw the rules.

(cue MTV guitar vamp)

This really spoke to me in my youth.

(still does, although I believe my perspective has matured)

I grew up in a small town...I was a bit of a loner. I liked sci-fi, I had the only Tony Hawk skateboard in town. I was one of the "weird" kids in my class of 46. I was one of the two kids in my senior class voted "class revolutionary."

In junior high, for a writing assignment, we had to choose a life motto, and discuss why we chose it...mine was "Create a disturbance." Even back then, I was of the mindset that people should unapologetically make their mark on this world. Of course that has gotten me into trouble occasionally...I figured out that I tend to be a boat rocker...with authority issues.

I am learning slowly that I can stay true to my disturbance creating nature without jeopardizing steady employment.

I remember the realization in college that in some cases, I truly feel that the rules don't apply to me. Whether this is leftover energy from the "screw the rules" mentality or something else, I don't know.

I also remember the professor of my first class as a music major. He was a funny little man who was a bassoon player. After a class where we had been talking about musical form and compositional techniques, I told him, "When I write music, I want to break the rules!"

He very simply said, "You have to learn the rules before you can break them."

It would be many years before I understood the wisdom in his words.

But I think the MTV commercial meaning of "screw the rules" is not simply a call to general defiance and disorderly conduct. I believe there is a deeper meaning to be found when one delves into the essence of the statement.

Part of it has come from the spiritual and societal awakenings that began in the 1960's. During that time, social constructs were questioned and many experiments began...remnants of those experiments can still be found today...commune anyone?

We see other throwbacks to those days as well...communities of free thinkers, co-ops of all sorts...hey, tie dye has become mainstream!

Here's the thing about the human mind...it LOVES to sort and order things. This was an evolutionary necessity. Imagine yourself as a hunter/gatherer...human consciousness is just developing and the world is a tough place to survive in. The evolving mind learns to identify and categorize things quickly: food, water, danger, predator, prey. This was necessary for the survival of our species.

Fast forward tens of thousands of years...now, the mind categorizes things, but the ego has gotten involved. Now, most of us categorize and judge things.

To say that an apple-tini is a beverage, or to further categorize, an alcoholic beverage is a mind function. Apple-tini is in the category of beverage, sub-category alcohol. THAT is the mind at work.

The ego comes along and says "Apple-tinis are girly drinks." (Thank you Dr. John Dorian!) The ego judges what the mind has categorized.

So when the youth in the 60's started examining the capitalist driven social structures of their parents and rejected those structures...the structures were judged "bad."

The adults of the era, used to conformity and established structure saw the long hair, free love, mind altering drug using counter culture as "bad."

The term "hippy" could have a good or bad connotation depending on which circles you were in.

Let me be clear that my perspective on this is speculation and interpretation. I was born in the early 1970's, so this hindsight extends beyond my own life time.

But by creating new standards of behavior, new rules were established while throwing out the old rules. A paradox was created.

Subcultures sprang up in multitudes after the 60's; each with their own rules.

One character we can look at for an example of transcending these rule governed subcultures is Ferris Bueller.

The 1986 film Ferris Bueller's Day Off is the story of a unique high school student who decides to take a day off from school and the comedic efforts of the principal to catch him.

The charisma of Ferris Bueller was not bound by any one subculture. Grace, the school secretary, puts the subculture transcendence of Ferris like this:

Oh, he's very popular Ed. The sportos, the motor heads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads...they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude.

Ferris is a singularity in that he is not bound by the rules or definitions of any one subculture.

Then we consider one of my refrigerator magnets...it says "You non-conformists are all the same."

As we raise the banner of non-conformity with "Screw the Rules!" as our call to action, we look around and see that everyone is doing the non-conformist thing. Similarly to the person who says "I'm crazy", isn't, the person who identifies as "non-conformist", isn't.

I had an epiphany in the early 90's when "Alternative" music was all the rage. I thought, "If alternative music has become popular and mainstream...then what music truly is alternative?

A few weeks ago, as I was contemplating my own journey, and the efforts of someone to categorize me, I came up with a quote:

I am not confined by anyone's definitions. Your limitations do not apply to me.

That's my mature perspective on "screw the rules."

I will still love that MTV commercial though.

I think what we are experiencing in the midst of The Shift, post end of the Mayan calendar, is not a paradigm shift, but the end of the paradigm itself.

Part of that is thanks to the ease with which information can be shared globally. But as a human culture, we are growing in ways never before seen on the planet. In the music therapy profession, there are some names that in my opinion have reached legendary status: Alicia Clair, Deforia Lane, Barry Bernstein and Connie Tomaino to name a few. They were pioneering research and developing best practice when music therapy was starting to take shape as a profession. They are still out there doing it! (Barry is no longer with us).

Now we have music therapists who are redefining the profession.

They are using social media and technology to reach a wider audience to support each other, educate and even provide services.

This group is not confined by the old definitions, not confined by limitations.

Technology is providing many of us the means to express our own unique perspective on the world, whether that is through app development, blogging, Skype music therapy sessions...the list is endless.

Our planet wide spiritual awakening is bringing us to a time where modern technology and ancient wisdom are learning to co-exist in ways never dreamed of before.

My advice to you my friends?

Remember that the paradigms no longer exist...create your own path.

While you're at it, create a disturbance.

Be undefinable...be limitless, and of course,

Screw the rules.

Life's Ironies (and why sometimes you just have to laugh your ass off)

The Law of Attraction states that whatever we put out into the Universe, we draw towards ourselves. I believe this to be true...most of the time. You see, the Universe has a quirky sense of humor, and sometimes our lives embody the very definition of "irony" itself.

As you may have guessed, I have examples.

I remember in high school one evening I was at a youth group meeting and we were planning a trip to a nearby ski slope. Several of us, including me had never been skiing before and we looked forward to the new experience. When we decided on a date, I realized it was the weekend before the state debate tournament that I was competing in.

I offhandedly said, "With my luck, I'll break my arm the week before the state debate tournament!"

A friend of mine, T, said in an exaggerated tone, "You won't break your arm!"

His tone of voice and facial expression indicated that he thought I was being ridiculous to even suggest such a thing.

The night of our trip came and we were all in high spirits. T and one or two of our other friends rode with me to the slope, only 15 miles from our home town.

The first timers like me started out hesitantly on the bunny slope, and eventually, as confidence increased, most of tried other slopes.

Part way through the night, one of my friends found me and said I should go to the lodge...T was hurt.

When I found him, some of the youth group leaders were with him...he was cradling his arm.

I asked him what happened. He told me he had been talking to a girl (schmoozer that he was), and when the conversation ended, he started to walk away from her, still attached to his skis. What he didn't realize is that his skis were crossed in back and it just so happened that the foot he picked up first was was attached to the ski on the bottom. He lost his balance, and tried to catch himself.

Later, x-rays showed that T had on fact, broken his arm.

Several years ago, when my girls were still young, before my son was born, my first wife and I rented a small house near a small diner. One summer day, I decided it would be a good idea to cut down a small tree that was growing behind the gas meter. I had recently purchased a folding camp saw and thought I would try it out. After I removed the sapling sized tree, I sat cross legged in the yard to trimming it down to a size that would be good kindling for our fire bowl.

Now to say that this wee sapling was wet would be an understatement. As I was trimming it, moisture would occasionally drip from the cuts.

This was a comfortably warm summer day, and I sat, cross legged on the yard, wearing shorts, and trimming this green, green sapling.

I was making my last cut, and let me tell you, that last little bit of bark did not want to let go.

I could not believe how this tiny strip of bark was resisting the massive serrated teeth of the camp saw!

Feeling tired and frustrated, and determined to not be bested by this sapling, I gave that saw one good hard yank...and the saw easily went through the green bark...as well as my right thigh.

The sharp pain surprised me, I immediately dropped the saw and surveyed the damage to my leg. For some reason, still unbeknownst to me, I pulled apart the two sides of the wound to get a better look. To my amazement, there was no blood! Strangely enough though, I was quite sure I was seeing a part of the inside of my leg I had never seen before. It was almost as if my body was shocked enough by what happened that it forgot what to do. Moments later, the blood started flowing. I put pressure on the wound, and hobbled into house, and told my wife "Go be with the girls, they're still outside. I cut myself with the camp saw."

My wife looked at me, looked at the blood trickling down my leg, gave me a blank look and while still blankly looking me in the eyes said into the phone receiver she was holding, "I'll call you back...I have to go."

She stood up, shook her head, mumbled "Idiot" under her breath and went to find the girls.

In short order I figured out that the bleeding wasn't going to stop on its own and suggested my wife drive me to urgent care. After arguing that she should make me drive myself because I was stupid enough to cut myself with a saw, she relented and we were on our way.

The doctor said I had cut through about four layers of skin. One tetanus booster and four stitches later, I was released.

Less than two weeks before, I taught a summer school lesson to a group of visually impaired kids about the safe use of kitchen knives.

I emphasized ad naseum that when using sharp blades, one should ALWAYS think "If this blade slips, what part of my body could get cut?" and then get that body part out of the way.

Last Friday, I was in the midst of my morning routine before going to work. As I was brushing my teeth, I was cagily aware that my tea tree oil toothpaste, with baking soda, didn't feel the same in my mouth as it usually did. Usually I notice a gently scrubbing sensation on my teeth from the baking soda, and the overall texture was unusual. I then became aware that the taste of the toothpaste was strange. As I spit the excess into the sink, I noticed the toothpaste was not the usual pure white color...I thought my gums were bleeding. I glanced down to the left side of the sink to where the tube of toothpaste lay and I was trying to process what was going on. Suddenly I realized I hadn't picked up the tube of toothpaste from the left side of the sink...I picked up the tube from the right side of the sink, put the contents on my toothbrush and set the tube back down on the right side.

I picked up the tube from the right side of the sink to confirm the thought that had just hit me like a freight train...I was brushing my teeth...with diaper cream.

I started hacking and spitting and rinsing my mouth. I desperately clawed at my tongue with my tongue scraper...interestingly enough, diaper cream tends to lock itself into every nook and cranny of the human tongue, scraper or not.

I found my travel toothbrush, loaded it with actual toothpaste and desperately pleaded with the tea tree oil to take away the taste.

Before too many questions surface about why a father who's school age kids live halfway across the country has diaper cream in his bathroom let me say: "deodorant reaction" and "rash."

Here's the kicker...I had been listening to Eckhart Tolle's audiobook version of A New Earth and was regaling my wife with tales of how I was finding new meaning in his teachings about present moment awareness and giving full attention to even the most mundane tasks.

I told my wife this story today when she was on a road trip with my step daughter and she laughed so hard she was afraid she would not make it to the next rest area.

When we are in the midst of life experiences, we experience pain, discomfort...even suffering. Eventually though, the bones knit, the stitches are removed and the zinc oxide taste fades. We can't choose what happens to us, but we can choose how we respond to what happens.

I have a lot of Kokopeli and Coyote trickster energy in me. I can appreciate a good "gotcha" even when it happens to me. So when the Universe decides to throw an irony at us, sooner or later, I'll be laughing my ass off!

Journal Entry

1924 Starbucks, Farmington, NM 25 January 2013

I almost burst into tears at Natural Grocers tonight.

It's become somewhat of a tradition for me to stop there after my chiropractor appointments on Fridays after work. Tonight I needed soap. My bar of Dr. Bronner's lavender is almost gone. Tonight I decided to try something new and ended up with an olive oil soap with Shea butter, argan oil and Dead Sea salt.

I realized something as I was standing in the corner that has soaps, incense, essential oils and salt lamps...I find great comfort in visiting that place with all the many wonderful and sometimes hideous smells. That's not a new realization...a couple of months ago I noticed I was lingering in that section of the store, smelling different soaps and oils and finding that practice very soothing. The candles are there too, some scented, some unscented. I look at the beeswax ones and the palm wax, smelling the ones that sound interesting.

I figured out that scent has amazing soothing and healing capabilities for me. Most of the people there have stopped asking me if I need help finding anything...guess they're used to my lingering. I have to wonder if they talk about "that guy that always comes in and smells stuff."

Tonight for some reason, it hit me... suddenly I felt very, very lonely. I miss Chelley and the kids...and now the tears finally start flowing.

It's been less than a week since I've seen them, but in a way that makes things that much harder. Had so much fun cooking together...just being together...then I come back to this place...alone.

The simple things really are what I miss...coaching the kids on how to cut potatoes for mashing, cuddling and joking with them, resting my hand on Chelley's thigh as she drives us somewhere...

All these thoughts hit me at once as I stood with the soap and candles and lotion and I wanted to cry. I know I have important work to do here...work I can't do around others. It's a vision quest of sorts and I have already learned and grown so much. Eckhart would chide me for not staying in the present moment...I'm already planning my return to the Midwest in four months.

So I cling to the things that I find comfort in...just like I clung to that bar of soap when I started feeling so sad. It's almost like the bar of soap was an anchor point for me...something to remind me that yes, I am right here, right now. A reminder that I can get through this with nice soaps, herbal smells, body pillows with orange corduroy covers, footy pajamas, and the soft glow of salt lamps and candles.

Been exhausted this week...sleep has been worse than usual. Hopefully tonight with some valerian root I can sleep in. Anticipating a long day of masters writing tomorrow...last time I wrote on a Saturday, I put in eleven hours. I don't know if I'm up for that tomorrow, but I've only got a week left till my self determined rough draft deadline, and I have a lot of boogying to do. Speaking of which, tempus fugit...and I've got work to do.

Airports

Airports are strange places. Before I met my wife, I had taken one trip by airplane. Now, air travel has become a somewhat regular part of my life.

Since airplanes have become a frequent mode of travel for me, I have taken one trip with co-workers, one with my wife and stepdaughter, and the rest have been solo. This means I have spent a lot of time in airports with time to think and time to observe those around me.

If you've seen the movie Love Actually, you know that the movie begins and ends at Heathrow in London. As Hugh Grant narrates the opening scene of the movie he speaks about the Arrivals Gate at Heathrow and how it is an ideal place to see that love is actually all around.

I was thinking about that as my wife and stepdaughter dropped me off curbside at the Des Moines International Airport this evening.

For those of you who are accomplished air travelers, you might find the fact that the Des Moines Airport has the title "International" to be somewhat amusing; it's barely bigger than a regional airport. It's not particularly easy to get to either; it's several miles from any major highways.

That being said, I found myself just inside the doors of the airport, looking back at my wife's car, trying to steal one last glance of my beloved. We'd had our parting curbside...one last kiss, one last embrace. We'll see each other in a few weeks, but it didn't make leaving her any easier.

I walked past people standing outside in single digit weather with their luggage, waiting for their friends or families to pick them up. I saw people waiting for the special people in their lives to get off of the planes so they could go home. I moved along with the travelers who, like me were just beginning their journies.

I wonder about how similar or different those people might be feeling to me. As I've said before, I have been blessed with the ability to encourage others to tell me their stories, so I have developed a curiosity about how the stories of others compare to my own story. Maybe some of those people are returning from a long trip, or they are in town for business. Some might have flown on for a wedding; some for a funeral.

I just spent a busy three day weekend with family and friends. I was feeling very tired and was facing the prospect of not getting back to my place in New Mexico until after midnight, knowing that it will not be warm enough to sleep soundly, facing a long drive to an early morning meeting for a job that has recently become more stressful and so very reluctant to leave behind my wife and children.

The airport has become a place of mixed emotions for me these past few months. When I flew home for Thanksgiving this past November, tears of joy came into my eyes when I realized we were flying over fields in Iowa and that soon I would see my loved ones after being apart for months. After visiting my wife's family in Michigan during that trip, I flew back to New Mexico from Detriot. With such a busy airport, all there was time for was a quick goodbye to my wife and a final wave to my nieces and stepdaughter in the car. Coming down from the high of seeing my children for the first time in three months and realizing that in another month, I would have two weeks at home.

Every time I have gone back to New Mexico has been a challenge. Several times over the past few months people have asked me if I like it in New Mexico and my response is always similar: "I'd like it a lot better if I was with my family."

I am really enjoying learning about Navajo culture and there is no doubt I have grown a lot as an individual and spiritually. During my first few months, I did a lot of exploring within a few hours of where I live. I delighted in the natural beauty and the people I met. Lately, as the weather grew cold and I got serious about writing my masters paper, I have not been exploring, I have not been visiting new friends who sell at flea markets a couple of hours away and I have been spending a lot of time alone with my thoughts.

This is what I return to this night..as dangerously cold place with inadequate heating and "hot" water that has been lukewarm at best since I moved in, work stress, endless hours of perfecting my masters, and solitude.

Tonight, the airport is not a place of exuberance and excitement for me; it is the path away from familiarity, loved ones and comfort.

But this is my last planned flight during this contract job.

I will go home for Spring Break, but I will drive. Then it's the home stretch before my contract is completed and I will return home.

I hope the next time I am traveling from an airport, it will be with my wife. Maybe our kids too. My kids have never been on an airplane, and I look forward to giving them the experience of flying to some exciting destination.

Airports, for me have gained some sort of deeper metaphorical meaning; something elusive. In time, I may puzzle that out.

For now, we've begun our initial descent. Soon I'll have to lock my tray table and seat back and power down my portable electronic device...then find my connection. With some hard work, some mindfulness and perhaps a bit of luck, that connection will deliver me to the lessons I have left to learn in New Mexico, and eventually to my final destination.

Here Comes The Boom!

A few months ago, at the suggestion of my wife, I went to see the movie Here Comes The Boom. It stars Kevin James, Salma Hayek and Henry Winkler. It's the story of a high school biology teacher who enters the world of mixed martial arts in an effort to save his school's music program (yay music!). Before the fights, each fighter chooses a song to play as they enter the arena. When Kevin James's character starts out his MMA career, the song he enters to is "Boom" by P.O.D. and that is the inspiration for this post.

Immediately after the movie, I downloaded "Boom." After listening to it a couple of times, I looked up the lyrics. I soon realized the power some of those lyrics have on my psychology. I found resonance in those words with an image of myself I work to maintain. I'll explain that shortly.

Like most humans, I have intense periods of self doubt and fits of little to no self confidence. The reasons are not uncommon...relationship with my parents, early life experiences, highly capable yet classic underachiever...

I've been immersing myself in the writings of Eckhart Tolle and working with a great therapist to get that all sorted.

So I have figured out over the years that when I listen to songs that contain lyrics that support this image I emulate, I get, as we used to say, "psyched up."

Those of you that have seen Rocky will know what I mean. It's hard to listen to "Gonna Fly Now" without picturing Rocky running through the streets of Philadelphia with a crowd of people running after him, cheering him on and at the climax of the song (thinking about the high trumpet line makes my cheeks hurt!) he reaches the top of the stairs and jumps up and down in celebration.

That is the kind of imagery that gets me going!

To be fair, sometimes my psychology shifts to a sort of feigned narcissism. My psychologist wife assures me that I am not truly narcissistic, but at times I do a pretty good impression.

This is evident in my resonance with songs like "Gimme The Prize" from the movie Highlander.

Here I am, I am the master of your destiny, I am the one, the only one, I am the god of kingdom come, Gimme the prize! Just gimme the prize!"

Do I REALLY think I am the master of someone's destiny? Do I view myself as the one, the only one?

Of course not!

But...these lyrics evoke feelings of power, strength and control. That is what resonates with me...that is what I feel like I am lacking at times.

Some of the other songs that have supported my emulated image are songs like "Bounce" by Bon Jovi:

This ain't no game, I play it hard, Kicked around, cut, stitched and scarred. I'll take the hit, but not the fall, I know no fear, still standing tall

"Good Suspicion" by Pacemaker Jane shares:

It's a wide wonder that you don't see All the stored up, saved up potential me I got a right mind to let myself go Show you what I can do, make sure you know...

There is a particularly moving spoken part in Steve Vai's "The Audienece is Listening":

I am fearless in my heart They will always see that in my eyes I am the Passion; I am the Warfare I will never stop Always constant, accurate and intense

Which brings me to "Boom"...

...say they know me though 'Cause I be puttin' in work Commit my life to rebirth Well respected 'cause that's my word...

Later in the song:

...and when it's time to handle business then we know what to do Me and my crew we stay true, old school or new Many were called but the chosen are few...

This has been the rally cry for my masters writing.

You see, I've never had to work for much in my life. As I said earlier, for a long time, I was a classic underachiever. I was happy to just get by in school. I usually pick up on things fairly quickly without much effort.

There are three things I can think of that I have truly had to put effort into in my life so far...my guitar recitals for my undergrad, the courtship of my wife and my masters writing.

With my masters, I must admit I have surprised myself. This underachiever has put hours and hours of work into this project every week for the past few months. That may sound like basic procedure for graduate work, but for me, it's a big deal.

The line "...'Cause I be puttin' in work, commit my life to rebirth, well respected 'cause that's my word..." describes my feelings about this process so well. I HAVE been putting in work, and remember, that's a pleasant surprise for this procrastinating underachiever. I have committed my life to rebirth...refusing to be bound by the past and the ways I used to do things. Well respected 'cause that's my word...I surprised my therapist three short weeks ago with barely an outline of my paper, I committed to having a rough draft of my paper submitted to my adviser by February 1.

I finished that draft four days early.

Finally, after close to four decades in this lifetime, I feel like I am coming into my power. I feel like I can accomplish the goals I set for myself, instead of staying small and fading away.

My experience as a music therapist teaches me the power music has in changing mood and psychology. I am grateful for the knowledge of how to affect this change in my own life.

Next time you find yourself using music in a similar way, ask yourself what emotions does the music bring up for you? What do you identify with? I feel like I am ready to be unleashed on the world...to be a powerful agent of positive change.

"Boom! Here comes the boom! Ready or not, how you like me now?"

What The Hell's Wrong With You?

Do you ever get out of your head just long enough to metaphorically (or actually) look at yourself in the mirror and say "What the hell is the matter with you?" Yesterday, I spent eleven hours at Starbucks, working on my masters paper.

Today I've been at Starbucks for nearly four hours, and all I've accomplished to that end is to find a list of sources from when I first started a lit review...four years ago.

What else have I been doing?

Writing in my journal...software updates on a little used laptop, and watching "The Office" on Netflix.

I am full on pain body today.

Today, I am suffering.

Remember the words of Tony Robbins: Pain in life is inevitable. Suffering comes when a person feels powerless to change the situation causing the pain.

But I question why I am suffering...

Sure, I've got money challenges right now, work stress, living situation stress, away from family...sometimes, that's life.

There has to be something more, something deeper.

What if I actually enjoy suffering?

Doesn't make sense, does it? No sane, rational person would enjoy suffering.

Tapping into Eckhart Tolle's ideas on the ego, the picture becomes clear. The ego has one job...to survive. It will do anything it can in order to survive...as Eckhart says, sometimes even killing its host.

It seems that somewhere in my life, I began playing a victim role. I actually remember that going back to when I was three or four years old...I've had a LOT of time to perfect the role.

The thing is, I've let that role control my behavior and actions at times. That role helped me stay small for most of my life. If things are going good, let's do some self sabotage, so we can REALLY feel that victim role again!

Time and time again, I have been told that I get in my own way...but if I don't, the victim role will fall away and the ego would eventually die, and...

Ah! The light of consciousness!

The ego cannot withstand it!

This quote from Hands by Jewel popped into my head this morning: "...and not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like these."

Like Eckhart says, there are no problems, only situations that must be dealt with. The mind, courtesy of the ego turns those situations into problems.

The mind is such an amazing tool, but most of the time we don't use it...it uses us. Exposé sang Free Your Mind...the sentiment should be "free yourself." Your mind can fend for itself!

As the ramblings of getting out of this funk start to creep in, I take a look once again in the metaphoric mirror and say, "What the hell's wrong with you?"

The reflection smiles back and says, "Nothing. Why do you ask?"

A Dozen Years Later

I remember where I was and what I was doing exactly twelve years ago to the hour as I write this. I thought I was going to die...and I was scared.

Not easy for a warrior musician to admit, but it's true.

The short version of the story is that a failed intubation during a routine surgery left me with an infection that was reducing my ability to breathe. Exactly twelve years ago, I was losing my ability to speak.

The day was much like today as my friends back in Iowa post weather updates about the blizzard happening at this moment. They wanted to fly me to the University of Iowa hospitals for emergency surgery, but it was not safe to fly.

When I went in for surgery, they told my wife, my first wife, five months pregnant with our oldest daughter, to call family and call life insurance...they did not expect me to survive.

By nightfall I was awake and breathing through a tube in my neck, unable to speak.

A lot has happened since that day.

I've been blessed with three beautiful children and I buried my father

I developed type 2 diabetes and became a martial arts master

I finished my bachelor's degree, I'm finishing my master's and preparing to apply for a doctoral program (if only my high school counselor could see me now!)

I went through a painful divorce and I married the perfect balance to my soul

I've known the depths of darkness and the pinnacle of ecstasy

I have loved and I have grown and I have lived

On this eve of the winter solstice where the promise of life is renewed and of the Galactic Alignment that harbors a powerful yet subtle shift in human consciousness, I have this message for you:

The Ancient Wisdom is true...there is life, there is death and there is rebirth.

I've been there.

Decisions of Destiny, Tony Robbins, Sandy Hook & 12-21-12

As my Facebook friends know, I've been spending a lot of time at Starbucks lately. I wasn't a Starbucks person until a few weeks ago when I started the final push on my master's degree and needed reliable wi fi for hours at a time. Today, while taking a break, I decided to re-watch a video of Tony Robbins giving a TED talk. I found within it, not only some wisdom for my own life, but for recent and upcoming events.

Here's the video that inspired me today:

Tony shares "3 Decisions of Destiny."

1.What am I going to focus on? 2.What does it mean? 3. What am I going to do?

I won't discuss the nuance of each of these decisions. Instead I encourage you to watch the video for your own take on the decisions.

Instead, I think it is worth considering how we as individuals can use these decisions in the wake of the shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary and in anticipation of the great shift on 12-21-12.

Someone close to me once called me a social observer. She remembers me doing a lot of listening in group settings, then interjecting comments that would either make people laugh, take the conversation in a new direction, or both.

Since the news about Sandy Hook broke, I have been observing reactions people have had through social media. I have reposted the ideas of others if I found them to be in alignment with my own and today I have shared my views in some limited fashion.

I have witnessed people saying "don't blame the guns" and people calling for increased access to mental health care. Some are suggesting that increased access to guns would have stopped the shootings...claims that arming teachers is a viable solution. I even read a statement pleading for society to not condemn folks with autism (rightly so).

We are hurting.

Emotions are high. No matter where you stand on issues of gun control/gun rights, mental health access, ask yourself:

1.What am I going to focus on? 2.What does it mean? 3. What am I going to do?

Do. Something.

Sharing your ideas through social media can be valuable, but don't let it be empty rhetoric. Talk without action is worthless.

Decide what you're going to do, and make it happen.

It also seems appropriate to comment on all the speculation regarding 12-21-12.

There are the doomsday sayers who believe the world will end. Personally, that's the day I travel to be with my family for the holidays...I sure hope the doomsdayers are wrong.

Jokes abound about the Mayans running out of space on the calendar and that nothing will happen. I read Facebook comments about all of the "idiots who believe the world will end" and what lame excuses they will come up with when they wake up on December 22.

A local car dealer is running radio ads for a sale and they guarantee that if the world ends, you'll never have to make a payment on your new car.

Without going to far into my own beliefs, I again encourage you to examine:

1.What am I going to focus on? 2.What does it mean? 3. What am I going to do?

I think in general, whether we are discussing things like Sandy Hook or the end of the Mayan calendar, it's a good idea to tell the people you love that you love them, every day and to live your life like every day may be your last.

I really identify with ideas that were popular during the Middle Ages when death, mostly from disease, was a regular part of the human experience. It was common to inscribe a Latin phrase meaning "perhaps the last" on clocks. The phrase "memento mori" was common as well: remember that you too shall die.

I've found that in today's world, many people are uncomfortable with these macabre notions. One place I worked I had "memento mori" and the translation as part of my email signature. I had a co-worker write an impassioned email stating that SHE did not need to be reminded she was going to die one day.

The truth is, we never know how much time we have.

Make yours count.

No Tolerance For Rape Or Rape Jokes

I want to make one thing CRYSTAL clear. I have no tolerance for anyone who would even consider raping someone. I am a martial arts instructor and enjoy teaching self defense classes. I've taught with my instructor as well as a female friend of mine. I always felt like I was helping people have a better chance of surviving a self defense situation...rape is one of these awful situations.

I realized recently how our approach was incomplete all these years of teaching self defense. We taught from the mindset (when specifically teaching rape defense) "Don't get raped." Things that go into this mindset are things like: being aware of your surroundings, keep a clear head and the fact that 90% of self defense is not getting into a situation where you need self defense skills.

Recently, through the miracle of Facebook, I have been introduced to the part of the training we didn't teach..."Don't rape."

I was inspired by a series of ads running in Edmonton, which I found on Facebook just a few minutes ago. I reposted the link on my wall and within a minute or two, I was horrified at a comment one of my Facebook friends made: "But remember its not rape its a struggle snuggle."

I immediately replied: You're a sick bastard. You're also unfriended.

This person is the son of people I used to go to church with. He always seemed harmless enough, although his obsession with firearms combined with general ignorance (never a good combination) always creeped me out a little.

His comment is inexcusable. There are some things that are never funny to joke about. I have a no tolerance policy for such asinine behavior. I suggest you don't tolerate it either.

Now that I have clearly stated my position, I move forward in love and light.

A Declaration of Determination

I feel jet lagged and exhausted. I feel pressures emotionally, financially, educationally, personally, spiritually...

I want to crawl into bed and sleep away the agonizing exhaustion and maybe all the stress will seem less when I awake...

But...

I have work to do.

Not out of commitment to contract or sense of obligation to those who are depending on me.

I have work to do, because there are some things about my current situation that are unacceptable.

I can no longer abide by feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. I will show gratitude to the Universe/Great Spirit/Creator/God/Goddess/All One for this beautiful life with all of the challenges that make me stronger and wiser.

I will not diminish the wonderful gifts I have been given to share with this world by harming myself with self doubt, poor food choices, unhealthy habits, depression and damaging patterns of behavior .

I will do what needs to be done to physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially protect myself, my wife, my children, biological and by choice, and our families, and when we are well secure, I will help others find that security for themselves.

I bear witness to the Great Fear so many are burdened with. I see it, and choose to live outside of it. I choose to live beyond the fear that those who would control us perpetuate. To live in Fear is to live small. None of us are small. We each have important purpose in this life and by living in Fear, by living small, we cannot fulfill our purpose.

I will nourish body, mind, spirit. I will rest when needed, but I will not be passive. I will live my life as authentically as I can. I will love myself and love humanity.

The time for me to cower and live in fear has passed.

I choose love, I choose light, I choose wholeness, I choose life.

Shine on.

My life will not

Skills versus Passion

When I first introduced this blog, my intention was to write mostly about music therapy, the daily joys and challenges of being a music therapist and to offer tips, tricks and insights to help other music therapists. I figured that occasionally I would throw in some other life lessons I was learning, about relationships, or parenting. A few short months after I started blogging, I lost my music therapy job. I lost the primary motivation for wanting to blog. I lost my material and experiences to blog about. I took a long break to regroup...regroup my life and rethink blogging.

Eventually, I considered the description I had written when I started the blog... "This blog is about the life and times of a neurologic music therapist."

Turns out, that the neurologic music therapist was going through a time in his life where he was not employed as a music therapist. But I remember a man who came to talk to at a career day when I was an undergrad music student the first time around. He had been a music major in school and then went into educational leadership. Looking back at that time, I remember rolling my eyes at the whole career day concept and only attending the required presentations...I was young, what can I say?

This man, at the time a school superintendent, said something very simple and I will never forget it: "No matter what you end up choosing to do with your life, you are a musician, and I think that will show in everything you do."

As some are so fond of saying, mind blown.

Currently I am working as a teacher of the visually impaired...a certification I picked up in grad school...and you know what? I am very musician-like in my approach to this work, specifically, music therapist-like.

I plan to keep this gig for this academic year only...I have to find something closer to my wife and family. As I look ahead to my next gig, I consider another TVI job, or music education job, both of which I am well qualified to do, but is that what I'm passionate about? Should I do work that I have the skills to do, just because it's good money, or a good location, or is that settling?

I'm a big fan of the Dos Equis commercials that feature "The Most Interesting Man in the World." There is a series of brief clips where he shares his thoughts on things like the two party system, rollerblading and, careers. In the subject of careers, he says, "Find that thing in life you don't do well, and then don't do that thing."

Sage advice.

I was reminded of those words when considering where I go from here. Do I want another job as a TVI? I could do that, and I enjoy working with the kids, and it is kind of cool being someone who has the inside knowledge in a highly specialized area, but it's not my passion. I owe a lot to Dr. Matthew Armstrong. He was composer in residence, director of the men's choir and taught Elementary Music Methods during my second round of undergrad. I was one of those dual program people: music therapy and music education. I remember sitting in his class and hearing him talk about the time he spent as an elementary music teacher. During that class, in his words, I learned something about passion for life's work. I realized in that class that I had no business being a teacher. If I didn't have Arnstrong's passion for teaching kids about music, then it would not be fair to the kids. Kids deserve to have inspired and passionate teachers.

I thanked him for it. His example helped me get clear on where my passions lie, and it also helped me develop a professional code of conduct.

No, my passion is using music as a healing modality.

At this point, some of you might be thinking, "Didn't he just talk about a professional code of conduct and say he didn't go into teaching because it wasn't his passion?"

I've learned a few things over the years. First, I learned that I do love to teach. What really soured me in the beginning was school politics. A bit of irony that was not wasted on me occurred when I took Dr. Alaina Love's Passion Profile. My wife collaborates with her on some research and she suggested I complete the profile in order to receive some guidance about where my passions are. Here comes the irony: the section that I scored highest in...Teacher.

I 've also learned that I can perform a job, and perform it well, even if it is not my primary area of passion. I have a passion for helping people and my first choice for expressing that is helping people using music, however, with my current job situation, by taking an interest in doing what is best for the students on my caseload, I can use the skills I have developed to help them succeed. I've learned I can do this without feeling like I am doing a disservice to the kids.

So the question is, do you do the job you're good at, even if it's not your passion?

I share office space with two people, and they share the same job title. Listening to them talk the last few months, I can tell that they are good at what they do, but so much of their office time is spent ranting about the administration and policies that I wonder if they are just close enough to retirement that they are easily annoyed, or if they took these jobs because of skills they posess instead of feeling the fire of passion.

I have been fortunate to develop a unique skill set. I am a better teacher because I am a therapist and I am a better therapist because I am a teacher.

Think about your current employment situation...are you doing the job you do because you have skills, or because you have passion?

For my music therapist friends, are you working with populations that inspire you and feed your fire of passion? Have you found your niche?

I am fascinated by the trends developing in music therapy. People are combining music therapy with other disciplines, or expanding their work to create resources for other MT's. Transpersonal psychology and music therapy, creative arts therapy and music therapy, continuing education for music therapists and music therapy...these are exciting times we music therapists are living in...ripe with opportunity to create a positive impact. These pairings are using skill sets from complementary disciplines to create new and exciting combinations! And people who remain in the music therapy profession are passionate...it's just not something that can be sustained without the fire of passion.

What's that saying? "Whatever you decide to be, be a great one!"

So I leave you with these questions:

Are you currently doing something with your life simply because youcan do it or does the fire of passion burn brightly, shining your light out into the world?

If you're working from your skills but not your passion, what would it look like to shift and engage your passions?

Choices and Decisions

We'll all heard people try to justify actions by saying "I had to do it...I had no choice." I am here to tell you that phrases such as that are flat out wrong.

We always have choices. They may not be good choices; they may not be choices we like, but we always have choices.

Choices lead to decisions. Decisions lead to actions, or sometimes inactions.

Maybe I am channelling Yoda tonight, but a couple of things got me to thinking about choices and decisions.

The presidential election yesterday is a big factor in my thought process. Americans had the opportunity to choose the candidate they thought would best represent their beliefs and interests and that choice lead to the decision that this country made overall.

I remember the 2004 election, and hearing a song with an unforgettable lyric...unfortunately for me, I have no idea who the artist is or the name of the song (if anyone reading this knows, PLEASE contact me!).

The lyric is "When you choose the lesser of two evils, you always get something less and something evil."

Brilliant.

It also illustrates the idea that sometimes the choices are not ones we like, but the choices are there.

The other thing that has me thinking about choices and decisions came in the mail today. It was a bill. Now, yes, most of us have bills. This is a bill that I have known about for a long time, but today the bill had a condition to it...pay x amount of money, and by the way, the due date is in one week.

This seems simple, right? If x amount of money is not available for this bill by the due date, simply call up those kind folks and explain the situation, politely telling them when you will be able to send the money.

Like some Facebook relationships statuses, it's complicated.

The complicated details are not important for this discussion, but when receiving this bill today, I caved in on myself.

I'm going to switch gears for a it here to talk about a life changing event for me...The Hoffman Quadrinity Process. In technical terms, it is a 10 day transpersonal psychology based workshop. In simple terms, it is the hardest thing I have ever done.

I went to the Process a year ago in September along with 23 other people. During the Process, participants are guided through a series of exercises that help them explore patterns of behavior learned from parents or parental figures in our lives. Methods for identifying and breaking these patterns are taught as well. The experience is very emotionally charged, there is a lot of crying and intense bonds with fellow participants are formed.

When I returned from the Process, I felt so alive, so empowered! Living in the real world is quite different though and I soon fond myself falling back into my own patterns. The Process gave me a set of techniques to use when these old patterns emerge...but I chose not to use them.

By that time, I had been out of work for roughly three months, and while the work I did at the Process interrupted the depression I was dealing with, I quickly slipped back into old, bad habits.

Without too much analysis of the psychology behind this seemingly insane behavior pattern...I mean really, having tools and techniques to break free from patterns that hold us back in life and choosing not to use them? Hardly a sane thing. Point is, for whatever reason, I was getting some sort of benefit from choosing the depression and the lack of forward movement. Maybe it was the relative safety of staying small and unimportant. Maybe it was like Marianne Williamson says; what we are really afraid of is that we are amazing and powerful.

I continued to struggle with the depression and the anxiety...come to think of it, I am struggling with those things. No, I am not taking any meds for these things. Over the years, I have tried meds for anxiety, depression, bipolar, ADD...hell, I was even on anti-psychotics for a while, because I made the mistake of being honest with a psychiatrist when he asked me if I heard voices. While I was describing a spiritual experience, he wrote me a script to make the voices stop...of course, they didn't because anti psych drugs don't affect the spiritual realm.

The meds never really improved things for me and sometimes made things worse. So I stopped.

Lately, I feel like I have been waking up spiritually. My Navajo herbalist friend calls it remembering. I am remembering what my spiritual mission is in this lifetime. I am remembering what I am supposed to do. I am remembering what I have dine before, so that I can learn from it.

Yes, I'm looking forward to reconnecting with family and friends for the holidays. Yes, I am still dealing with feelings of loneliness and worried that I am not doing enough for the kids that I work with...but I feel like for the most part I am in a good space mentally and emotionally. Then I got the bill today, and I started to fall apart.

That inner voice that we all have started talking to me...at Hoffman, they call that voice "your dark side."

"You won't have that money by next week...what if you lose those specialized services? They're so important, but I guess you don't deserve them. You owe a lot of money for that besides what the bill said. How are you ever going to pay that? What about gifts? You have three birthdays and Christmas in December...are you going to get pathetic gifts? You're making more money than you ever have before, but you're still a loser when it comes to money! What a pitiful excuse for a human being you are!"

That my friends, is the voice of the dark side.

That is the voice that helped me feel worthless, disempowered, and pathetic this afternoon...but then something else happened.

I remembered that I always have a choice.

I can continue down the rabbit hole (as my beloved wife is so fond of saying) or, I can refuse to stay long in that old pattern, and choose something different. I realized it was time to make a decision.

I remember a quote that my counselor and later friend, Carol, had on her wall: "Change will only occur when the pain of change is less than the pain of remaining the same."

What if today is that day for me?

What if I can no longer abide by the old behavior patterns?

What if today is a good day to die? (Klingons, anyone?)

Today, I made a decision: I decided to choose a different way of living and to let go of the old patterns. I choose to move forward in love and light. I choose to live the way I envision my life to be instead of the way my dark side thinks my life should be. I choose to step into my power and my amazingness...we all have it you know!

Tomorrow I may choose something else, but this is the decision I made today.

Not many people know I'm a Reiki Master. The principles of Reiki give s beautiful example of choice in the present moment:

Just for today, I will not worry Just for today, I will not be angry Just for today, I will show gratitude Just for today, I will do my work honestly Just for today, I will treat every living being with kindness

I may fall back into old patterns in a day, week or month...but this is what I choose just for today.

Each day, we all have choices and decisions to make.

I've made mine...what's your decision?

Late Night Revelations

I hope you can stick with me on this one. I say that because I have so many thoughts going through my mind right now and they way they are coalescing and revealing their wisdom to me is completely clear to me, but I fear I will not accurately put everything into words that make sense for anyone else.

That being said, I'll have a go at it.

I have believed for a long time that spiritually speaking, we all have a piece of the puzzle. Based on the lessons we are meant to learn in this lifetime, our own experiences and the people who we encounter, we develop our own truth to speak. Sometimes the people we encounter hear our truth and make it part of their own. Sometimes we absorb their truth and many times some sort of equal exchange happens.

I just got off the phone with my wife. We've gotten in the habit of talking late at night, most often the timing dictated by when my stepdaughter goes to sleep. Tonight I had been reading, and dozed off before she called. I've been feeling quite exhausted lately...haven't been sleeping well.

When we were talking, my wife commented that I sounded tired and perhaps I should sleep. I agreed that I should, but I wasn't going to, meaning that I wanted to talk to her for a bit instead of cutting the conversation short.

I complained that I was feeling much older today than I should. I was particularly sore after my chiropractic appointment today, my knee that had been scoped years ago had been hurting lately, and as I told my friend who works for my chiropractor, I don't think I ever fully recovered from the cold I had several weeks ago, and I felt it creeping up on me again.

My wife is one of the wisest people I know. After listening to my litany of complaints, she said, "You need to do something for your body EVERY DAY. This is not a choice any more." She then suggested that instead of lamenting the fact that I have no method of watching my favorite yoga DVD's right now, that I do Sun Salutations every day.

We also talked about reasons I was guided to this place in this time. One of the many reasons is so I could have time and space to identify and break some of the negative patterns in my life. Again, I highly recommend the Hoffman Quadrinity Process.

We talked of other things until we were both close to falling asleep on the phone. We said our goodnights, and hung up. Somewhere in the recesses of my mind, things all started to make sense. A flood of seemingly unrelated quotes, parables, wisdom and some good old common sense washed over me. I knew I had to write this post now, or miss out on the momentum. So here is a whole bunch of thoughts, ideas a nuggets of yummy universal truth...some with proper credit, and some without...and let me say that most of these, I have been familiar with for a long time, but I have discovered new truth in the words:

Eckhart Tolle..."Is there something you need to do? Get up and do it now."

Problems cannot be solved at the same level of thinking at which they were created.

A student of Zen happened upon one of his teachers sitting between a pile of hot peppers and a pile of stems, the teacher's face bright red and he was crying. The student watched for a moment as the teacher bit into one of the peppers, continued crying and tossed the stem into the pile. Quite confused, the student said, "Master, what are you doing?" The teacher, through his tears replied, "I'm trying to find the sweet one."

"Try not, do or do not. There is no try." Yoda

"Don't try to be a great man..,just be a man, and let history make its own judgments." Zephrem Cochran

"If you're going to do something, do it well...and leave something witchy, so people know you were there." Charles Manson

"Find that thing in life that you don't do well, and then don't do that thing." The most interesting man in the world

"Always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself. Do not go out and look for a successful personality and duplicate it." Bruce Lee

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there. You must go beyond them." Bruce Lee

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got

"Work very hard." Andres Segovia

"You can't build a reputation on what you're going to do." Henry Ford

Resistance is futile

"I am fearless in my heart They will always see that in my eyes I am The Passion; I am The Warfare I will never stop Always constant, accurate and intense" Steve Vai

Something we used to whisper to each other right before going on stage when I was in the Wartburg Ritterchor: don't suck.

Some of you will make some of the same connections that I did with all of these ideas. As I am fond of saying, common sense is anything but.

These are my late night revelations...

If yoga feeds my body's need to move and stretch, then do yoga.

If martial arts forms practice strengthens the body and clears the mind, then practice forms.

If practicing guitar scales improves dexterity and focus, practice scales.

If fast food pollutes body and mind, eat slow food.

If taking three joint lubrication pills works better than two, take three.

If playing malfouf (Arabic rhythm) brings joy and inspiration, play malfouf.

These things in theory are so simple, so plain to see. My friends, I am often slow to change. My wife would say this is due to my birth under the sign of Taurus.

One more quote, from Maya Angelou I believe: You did the best that you knew how to do, any when you knew better, you did better.

It's time I did better.

So I lied...one more quote, a paraphrase actually from Thoreau: I went to the woods because I wanted to live deep, to suck out all the marrow of life; to put to rout all that was not life, and not when I had come to die, realized that I had not lived.

I had those lines read at my mom's funeral. It was both an expression of great sorrow and my grieving, passive aggressive way of stating to the world how angry I was with my mom for dying the way she did. Long story short, she neglected her body, her mind and her spirit and at 58 years old, she left this life due to heart disease, uncontrolled diabetes and morbid obesity. She was trapped by the enormous pain body she carried around for most of her life. She distracted herself with food and books and solitaire. I wonder if when she came to die, if she realized she had not lived.

My judgement of my mother's situation may be harsh. Almost fourteen years she's been gone and the nature of her passing still feeds my own pain body.

What troubles me more is that I am following in her footsteps. At age 33, I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I ate whatever I wants to, and I did not stay active...and I have been denying the diagnosis ever since. To be fair, I have been taking my treatment more seriously in the past few months, although living alone has not helped my food choices and my activity level has decreased.

But no more.

My thoughts tonight are quite simple: do the things that feed well your body and soul. Put to rout all that is not life, so when you come to die, you won't have to realize you have not lived.

Musings On A Cool Fall Day

Some days I wake up with so much pain in my heart that I think surely it will break. When I think of the words of Kahlil Gibran, "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain," I think that I am being prepared for oceans and oceans of joy. Other days, I wake up and realize what a wondrous place I am in! A place where my spirit is being guided to the right people and the right places for me to move forward boldly and with love on my journey.

Last night I was lamenting the fact that I feel lonely so often and sometimes wished I could be back home with everyone else. My beloved C quickly pointed out, "You were miserable here. It was time for you to go. You just need to learn the lessons you're supposed to learn there so we can move on with our lives."

She's right of course.

So many times in life, we waste time wishing for what could be, or what was instead of focusing on what is. This is how we miss the lessons we are meant to learn.

As the weather cools off, even here in New Mexico, I find myself thinking about Fall back home...my favorite season. Fresh apple cider, hayrides through the pumpkin patch...trick or treating. But I realize if I spend too much time thinking about what was and what could be, if I spend too much time thinking about the fact that this will be the first time I have not been there to take my kids trick or treating...if I do that, then I get stuck.

I get stuck living not fully here and not fully there, but in that place in my mind where so many of us live. I live in either the past or the future and I miss opportunities right here, right now.

You know, C said to me, "You sound much more grounded, much more centered, I hear more joy in your voice than I did for a long time when you were living here when you were so depressed after losing your job. You sound like the person I fell in love with."

I learned just before I went to the Hoffman Quadrinity Process that the hardest battle I would ever face in this lifetime is with my own mind. The mind is a wonderful tool as long as you use it and don't let it use you.

That's what I'm thinking about today.

Everyone Has A Piece Of The Puzzle

We all have a piece of the puzzle folks, and this piece comes from Chief Dan George (1899-1981) of the Tsleil-Waututh tribe: "Love is something you and I must have. We must have it because our spirit feeds upon it. We must have it because without it, we become weak and faint. Without love, our self-esteem weakens. Without it, our courage fails. Without love, we can no longer look out confidently at the world. We turn inward and begin to feed upon our own personalities, And little by little we destroy ourselves."

Give your love freely and without condition...accept love humbly and graciously.

Move past the fear in your life and move forward in love.

Love is the most important piece to the puzzle.

Love and be loved...what more needs to be said?